The all important list of British entrants hoping to get through and represent United Kingdom in this years Eurovision Song Contest in Helsinki were announced this week. And I bet you’re all just dying to know what my opinion is of them (I must warn you that the following reviews are lined with so much sarcasm that you may begin to feel nauseous)!
I was immediately thrilled to read Scooch had reformed to take part… but my joy soon turned to laughter when I heard there pitch. Flying the Flag (For You) is about as retro-ninties-gay-pop as it gets; they haven’t learnt one thing from their quick demise over 6 years ago and a part of me thinks they were cryogenically frozen back then and thawed out a little too late, completely missing the MySpace Music revolution and pulling faces of confusion when the words “Take That Reunion” were mentioned.
Brian Harvey, the only one from East/E 17 that you can remember, hasn’t changed one bit either; still trying to sound like R. Kelly and still doing a crap job of it. He’s entering Making Your Mind Up with a song called I Can, but from me it’s a “Please Don’t”.
Not satisfied with the success of her Barbara Streisand cover, Liz McClarnon tries her hand at Euro-glory with a particularly depressing song called (Don’t it Make You) Happy… what do you think, Liz ‘I-wrote-this-song-myself’ McClarnon?
Some French chick called Cyndi (or Cindy, for those of you with dislexya) has actually come up with a song that screams “last place”… in Making Your Mind Up. However if this were given the chance to go through it would probably give us our highest final position since Jessica Garlick. Shame about the face though, she looks like a German dominatrix version of Shelley from Coronation Street!
Rounding off with what I think is our best shot from this sorry bunch of “artists” are another blast from the past, Big Brovaz, whose song Big Bro Thang is great because it’s exactly like all their old songs, only now everyone is actually into listening to all that sort of music.
And that’s it… unless I’ve manged to overlook someone whose song would be so vile that I would immediately repress the memory of ever listening to it… Nope, that’s all!