Fashion Report

Haven’t you heard, nostalgia is very in this season. Everyone’s been seen doing it. There have been things from 2006 that I’ve wanted to share for some time now, but I didn’t know how.
Let me paint a picture: I’d just turned 20, I was going to be the only child living at home, and I was grappling with feelings that I didn’t know how to communicate, so I wrote them down in a private diary that I kept password protected. I think the password was “mum” – no, it’s not very subtle, is it!

22nd December 2006

So it’s twenty-past two in the morning, and I just realised something that made me cry. I’ve been crying a lot lately. I like to. It makes me feel better, crying. I realised that one day, in the not so distant future, I am going to have to come out to my mum.

I am just sitting here in utter shock that over the past few years everything has built up to this one moment. There was time earlier this year that I still believed I could meet a girl, and we’d hit it off, and I’d be charming, and we’d end up together. But now I know the truth is that will not happen – and most of it will be down to me not looking for a girlfriend because I’d rather be with her brother! I’m twenty now, I have to start being more truthful with myself. I have to realise that there is no in between for me – there may not even be anything. I am fully aware that it is one-hundred percent likely I will leave this earth without being able to share my love with another person. Sometimes I think it’s because of this that I have these feelings and that it’s just me taking whatever’s on offer.

No, I have to be truthful, it’s more than that. I remember that first moment I fell for a boy. It’s confusing and a little ironic, because I believed I had incidentally caused this boy to be hurt, and it wrecked me with guilt, but he pulled me aside by the tree – it was Christmas of 2003, and he looked into my eyes and told me not to blame myself. And it was then I realised that I didn’t cause anything. I had just made myself believe that him being attacked was my fault so that I could punish myself for having these feelings. Feelings that I fear are once again beginning to stir – for a different boy.

I don’t know, maybe everything will turn out alright, and all these gut wrenching fears will eventually be looked back on as “WTF was I thinking” moments. I want to tell this new boy because he hugged me, and it’s all I can think about now – I want to tell him so much. Then he’ll know; he’ll understand, and he’ll stay my friend, and then maybe this stupid infatuation will go away. It’s keeping me awake at night, and when I do sleep, it’s haunting me in my dreams. And even through the day, when I pause to pour the boiling hot water into my mug, it plagues my thoughts.

I’m gay.

I’ll never tell him. He’ll never know; he won’t ever know what I think about. He can’t ever know what I think about, and I won’t tell him. This Christmas is going to be so hard, I’m the only one here. He can’t know. It will change things, and we’re in such a great place right now. Did I tell you he hugged me? He hugged me, and it’s all I can think about.

So, thus ends the big gay realisation post.

Oh yeah, I am gay alright!

I think that was the first time I’d acknowledged it in such a concrete way. Over the next few years, whenever I felt overwhelmed, I tried to make sense of things by writing them down. I had never intended to share it all, but then again, I never intended to live past 30! I was certain I’d be dead before I was 26. But, as you’ll read, life kept going, and here I am. I no longer want to feel like I’m in that same headspace, chronicling things down in private. I want to move forward… by looking back.

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About tomsbrain

The central hub of all things Thomas McNab - a 30-year-old Yorkshire-born writer and filmmaker, living with a disability, and medicating himself with obscene amounts of films, television, and amateur wordplay. Find out more at http://tomsbrain.2ya.com.

Posted on December 22, 2016, in Posts. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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