Haven’t you heard, nostalgia is very in this season. Everyone’s been seen doing it. There have been things from 2006 that I’ve wanted to share for some time now, but I didn’t know how.
Let me paint a picture: I’d just turned 20, I was going to be the only child living at home, and I was grappling with feelings that I didn’t know how to communicate, so I wrote them down in a private diary that I kept password protected. I think the password was “mum” – no, it’s not very subtle, is it!
22nd December 2006
So it’s twenty-past two in the morning, and I just realised something that made me cry. I’ve been crying a lot lately. I like to. It makes me feel better, crying. I realised that one day, in the not so distant future, I am going to have to come out to my mum.
I am just sitting here in utter shock that over the past few years everything has built up to this one moment. There was time earlier this year that I still believed I could meet a girl, and we’d hit it off, and I’d be charming, and we’d end up together. But now I know the truth is that will not happen – and most of it will be down to me not looking for a girlfriend because I’d rather be with her brother! I’m twenty now, I have to start being more truthful with myself. I have to realise that there is no in between for me – there may not even be anything. I am fully aware that it is one-hundred percent likely I will leave this earth without being able to share my love with another person. Sometimes I think it’s because of this that I have these feelings and that it’s just me taking whatever’s on offer.
No, I have to be truthful, it’s more than that. I remember that first moment I fell for a boy. It’s confusing and a little ironic, because I believed I had incidentally caused this boy to be hurt, and it wrecked me with guilt, but he pulled me aside by the tree – it was Christmas of 2003, and he looked into my eyes and told me not to blame myself. And it was then I realised that I didn’t cause anything. I had just made myself believe that him being attacked was my fault so that I could punish myself for having these feelings. Feelings that I fear are once again beginning to stir – for a different boy.
I don’t know, maybe everything will turn out alright, and all these gut wrenching fears will eventually be looked back on as “WTF was I thinking” moments. I want to tell this new boy because he hugged me, and it’s all I can think about now – I want to tell him so much. Then he’ll know; he’ll understand, and he’ll stay my friend, and then maybe this stupid infatuation will go away. It’s keeping me awake at night, and when I do sleep, it’s haunting me in my dreams. And even through the day, when I pause to pour the boiling hot water into my mug, it plagues my thoughts.
I’ll never tell him. He’ll never know; he won’t ever know what I think about. He can’t ever know what I think about, and I won’t tell him. This Christmas is going to be so hard, I’m the only one here. He can’t know. It will change things, and we’re in such a great place right now. Did I tell you he hugged me? He hugged me, and it’s all I can think about.
So, thus ends the big gay realisation post.
Oh yeah, I am gay alright!
I think that was the first time I’d acknowledged it in such a concrete way. Over the next few years, whenever I felt overwhelmed, I tried to make sense of things by writing them down. I had never intended to share it all, but then again, I never intended to live past 30! I was certain I’d be dead before I was 26. But, as you’ll read, life kept going, and here I am. I no longer want to feel like I’m in that same headspace, chronicling things down in private. I want to move forward… by looking back.