The Forgotten Boy
There’s a boy I knew, he’s the one I dreamed of.
Sound familiar? I mean, it happens to all of us! It’s only now looking back, I can see there were a catalyst of personal issues and events that lead me to feel this way about a boy. He wasn’t The One, he was just what my brain needed to survive at that moment in time. To keep on being able to tell myself that I had a reason and a purpose, because everything in my life was telling me otherwise.
I had been stuck in hospital-limbo for nearly three years – transitioning from paediatrics to, basically, the place where no one gives a shit. I had my transfusions in a dark room on my own where I would sit and be left to amuse myself for 6+ hours. If it wasn’t for my dad getting a job there, I may not have had meaningful human interactions at all. I’m making it sounds worse than it is, but honestly, when I finally ended my transition and found a competent doctor and was allowed to carry out my treatment on a special unit, that’s when I realised what I dark place I had been in.
During this time, I only had one person I could really turn to, but I couldn’t even tell him about the way I felt, so I wrote it down in a diary that I kept password protected. Here’s an entry I wrote on this very day, 8 years ago:
28th February 2009
Why is it that being gay is so not gay? It’s not that I envy the alternative or feel like I’m missing out on something by living with myself as I am. But I don’t get why homosexuality got given this pet name that means full of light-heartedness and merriment. I kinda see why the “nu-generation” did a complete three-sixty on that definition. In my books, it makes a lot of sense.
Gay is another synonym for shit.
They don’t have the same rights, they get treated differently, they have to actually come out and declare their sexuality and, I have very little reference from the other side, but getting a date is fucking hard!
That’s weird… I just realised I didn’t identify myself with them until the last part. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been treated differently because of my sexuality. It’s a little hard to be treated differently for something you don’t publicly identify yourself as! But I can draw reference from my disability. As for rights… I’m not passionate about politics. The world confuses me enough without bringing the Government into it. But maybe the real reason I didn’t identify with those first two points is because I have no jumping-off point for them and won’t do until… if… *slits throat* I have a “gay experience”.
I’ve never had one! Who the fuck would I have one with? My closet’s so confined I feel like I’m in a Japanese subway train, except instead of people there’s issues… sooooo many fucking issues.
I only want him. It’s true. The problem is I’m never going to have him. He’s there, I’m here – end of. And if… IF he ever, by the grace of God, actually ever makes it over here I know EXACTLY what will happen… just because I’ve swapped teams from my childhood, I can bet you it does not change any of the same old tired excuses.
I was being far too mellow-dramatic in my last post. I can survive without him. I have this weird feeling in some aspects I might even survive better. I wouldn’t have this nagging urge to stay home and socialise on my computer… but it’s not a nag. It’s a gift. I can turn to him whenever I want and he’s there. I have a better relationship with him than I do with my own family. In fact, I’m quite hostile to my family a lot of the times. It’s not their fault, it’s mine. I’m the one with the problem; I just can’t deal with it.
Why is being gay… so gay?
I remember being alone in that dark room having my hospital treatment, listening to music on my iPhone. A song came on shuffle: Nicest Thing, by Kate Nash. It’s not an especially sad song, or even a very good song – but at that moment, it was exactly what my brain needed. I needed to let out my feelings, to cry. So I thought of my nicest thing, and it made me cry.