Changed

Everybody’s still into nostalgia. I have many unpublished posts from 2007. One shall be coming in a few days, but here’s a short one from eight years ago. Once again, it details with my unrequited love for an online friend.

14th April 2009

I’m still unmoved, not that I expected much to change, but I’m just rather afraid of losing the one good thing in my life despite being stuck in the crappy subtext of smiles and characters, driving me to the point of insanity.

I have four infections at the moment. FOUR! If I really do believe in that whole “it’s me who’s causing it” deal then I am beating myself up at the moment, apparently. But coming out would not solve anything.

It would only create new dilemmas, I’m certain of it. Don’t say you don’t know until you try it, because there’s no way you can put it out there without taking it back.

It will be this year, that of which I’m certain. I don’t know when, and I don’t know how; I don’t really even know why, but I’m telling her I’m gay.

It was two years ago this week I came out to him. Did I love him back then? I think so, I was so enthralled in my own personal turmoil that I probably didn’t recognise it was love. I was so nervous he wouldn’t accept me – even though I thought he knew! Why did I think he knew? That must have been odd for the both of us.

I tried hinting to him yesterday – told him I’d rather leave him voicemail messages than type, due to my poor aching hands. But not even a shred of consideration. If he asked me, I’d say yes in a heartbeat.

I guess that sort of tells me everything I need to know really.

How long do I have left here? Why do I insist on putting myself through these trials? Perhaps it’s to prove to myself that despite my illness, I am human, not unchanged. I go through all the things these regular humans go through.

He asked me how I coped. I told him something rather modest I can’t remember now, but really, he’s how I cope.

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About tomsbrain

The central hub of all things Thomas McNab - a 30-year-old Yorkshire-born writer and filmmaker, living with a disability, and medicating himself with obscene amounts of films, television, and amateur wordplay. Find out more at http://tomsbrain.2ya.com.

Posted on April 19, 2017, in Posts. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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