Episode One « All Cleared Up

Act 1 – JAMIE is kissing JAMES who is trying to watch ‘America’s Next Top Model’.

JAMIE: Jamie, you’re usually a lot more flexible when I’m feeling shit. Help cheer me up, take off your pants.
JAMES: I can’t. Tyra Banks is just about to yell at someone.
TYRA (on TV): I have never in my life shouted at a white woman this loud before. This is how angry you make me. I know what’s best for you and I want what’s best for you Goddamn it!

Shouting continues off screen as eventually a big explosion is heard.

PROBABLY NOT AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL: OhMiGod! Tyra Banks’ head just exploded.
ANOREXIC GIRL #2: I know, look how much thinner she looks.
OVER-WEIGHT GIRL #7: I wanna try the new Tyra Banks diet.

Still off screen there’s explosion after explosion as JAMIE keeps kissing JAMES.

JAMES: Jamie… Is there something bothering you?
JAMIE: Finally! It’s about fucking time. My sister’s leaving for college today. Even though she’s almost in her thirties somehow she can still get away with looking like a 19-year-old.
JAMES: You know your sister has to move on.
JAMIE: But she’s been my main guardian ever since our mom died of head trauma after she had a tumour and we thought everything was going to be okay but then the crappy director went and killed her off anyway. I don’t want to live in a foster home like those freaky kids on TV. What if I get fostered by aliens?!
JAMES: Why don’t you come live with me?
JAMIE: Really? And we could share the same house?
JAMES: Ya-huh.
JAMIE: And the same bedroom?
JAMES: Ya-huh.
JAMIE: And the same bed?
JAMES: Err, well…
JAMIE: And the same kidney?
JAMES: Okay! Maybe it would be best if you kept your distance as you’re already scarily close to becoming my stalker.
JAMIE: But Jamie, I don’t want to live with a foster family, I already told you. What if I get stuck with a sister like Quinn? I don’t think I could take it!
JAMES: I know, what if I – Wait, you were talking about Quinn from Zoey 101 and not Quinn from Daria?
JAMIE: OhMiGod I would love a sister like Quinn from Daria.
JAMES: Really? Me too!
JAMIE: OhMiGod that is so true!
JAMES: Anyway, as I was saying before you interrupted me to make the scene cut right before I reveal my master plan, what if I…?