Episode One « All Cleared Up

Act 3 – JAMIE, JAMES and CALISTA approach a big pink laboratory and go inside.

JAMES: Hello? (echo) HELLO…ELLO…LLO…
JAMIE: This is creepy. I don’t think anyone’s here, let’s go.
CALISTA: Oh grow a backbone, for God’s sake, Jamie! I’ve been hunting Vampires since I was 16 and do you think I just backed out because it was too creepy?
JAMIE: No. You backed out because they wouldn’t pay you enough money for an eighth season.
CALISTA: I thought I told you never to talk about that…
JAMES: Shut the fuck up guys! Something’s not right here.
JAMIE: How can you tell?
JAMES: Usually when I come here there are rainbow streamers and big giant pillows over by the bookcase but now there are just stupid old books by the bookcase.

Somebody is watching the three explorers from high above the ground floor.

JAMES: I’m sorry, Jamie; I don’t think The Professor is going to be able to make you that Mom-Bot.
JAMIE: Why not?
JAMES: Because… The Professor… is dead!

JAMES approaches the big leather chair and spins it round to reveal a skeleton. In the background the chair keeps spinning round and round.

JAMIE: OhMiGod!
CALISTA: OhMiGod!
JAMES: FUCK!
JAMIE: We have to get out of here.

The three run towards the exit but a mad man with tattered clothes and wispy grey facial hair blocks their way.

MAD-MAN: Going somewhere? Hahahahahaha!
JAMIE: OhMiGod it’s the man who killed The Professor.
MAD-MAN: Are you mad woman? I am your daughter, I mean, I am The Professor!
JAMES: Professor? What happened to your clothes and baby-bum soft skin?
THE PROF.: It was an experiment gone wrong. A horrible mistake I made using my Timeball.
CALISTA: Oh cool! Is that one of those things that sends you back in time?
THE PROF.: No, foolish whore! It is a device for seeing into the future. And I saw last week that you three were going to come here and ask me to build a Mom-Bot so I thought I’d get a head start. But I was wrong, so terribly wrong.
JAMIE: What happened?
THE PROF.: Hideously wrong! The consequences would be unfathomable.
CALISTA: Cut the crap, old man!
THE PROF.: Old..? I’m the same age as you allegedly are!
CALISTA: Just tell us what happened with the Mom-Bot.
THE PROF.: The Mom-Bot was programmed to act just like a mother. But something went wrong and it… started to think.
JAMES: But you always told me robots can’t think and that they’re just inanimate objects. Are you telling me they have thoughts and feelings like a real human being?
THE PROF.: The Mom-Bot did.
CALISTA: What do you mean did?
JAMIE: You had to destroy it?
THE PROF.: Maybe you’d find out if you all stopped interrupting me!

In the distance what sounds like a vacuum cleaner is getting louder and louder.

THE PROF.: Oh, dear God.
JAMES: Is it the Mom-Bot?
JAMIE: OhMiGod, is it going to come and kill us just like it killed you?
THE PROF.: It didn’t kill me, you idiotic little girl!
CALISTA: I can here it getting closer.
THE PROF.: What that? No, that’s just my maid, Paolo.

PAOLO saunters past the group wearing nothing but an apron, vacuuming the floor whilst listening to his iPod and dancing.

JAMES: Oh hi, Paolo!

JAMES waves all girly like and the audience go ‘WOOOOOO’.

JAMIE: So what happened to the Mom-Bot?
THE PROF.: Well, I programmed it with all your information, Jamie, but unfortunately it got loose before I could input some last minute details about Calista. And then…
JAMIE: Tell me, Goddamn it!
THE PROF.: It escaped.
CALISTA: Well where do you think it’ll go?
THE PROF.: Where it’s programmed to go: Your house.
JAMIE: OhMiGod! That homicidal robot is heading towards my house?
THE PROF.: No dear. It’s a Mom-Bot.
JAMES: What if it hurts Calista?
JAMIE: Oh no, she’s there all by herself.
CALISTA: Guys? I’m right here!

Everyone ignores her.

THE PROF.: You have to get back to your house and upload this floppy…
JAMES (giggling): Floppy!
THE PROF.: Disc. Quickly hurry, you have to input the information before Mom-Bot thinks Calista is a threat.
CALISTA: But guys, I’m right…

CALISTA looks around and stops mid-sentence when she realises she’s back at her house.

CALISTA: Oh crap!
MOM-BOT: Identify?
CALISTA: OhMiGod! Mom?

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