Episode Two « All Cleared Up

Act 1In JAMES’ bedroom JAMIE walks in unannounced and collapses onto his sofa.

JAMIE: You will not believe the kind of day I just had… Where were you anyway?
JAMES: In front of the TV, America’s Next Top Model had a Marathon.
TYRA BANKS (on TV): So let’s take a look at your portfolio… Now, this picture-
DUBBED VOICE-OVER: Should never see the light of day.
O.C. TRAILER TRASH: Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that.
TYRA BANKS: I’m not finished! If you think you’re gonna make it in this business then you need to-
DUBBED VOICE-OVER: Lose some weight, tubby.

The girl cries as insults keep being hurled whilst JAMIE watches.

JAMIE: Wow! Have they edited this for daytime viewing?
JAMES: Yep, she usually calls her an über-slut.
JAMIE: Why would they cut slut?
JAMES: Well they had to since it’s immediately followed by Tyra yelling, I’ve seen shit that looked more attractive than you do. And let me tell you, I’ve seen a lot of shit.
JAMIE: Oh! You’re mom didn’t let you take the day off to watch TV, did she?
JAMES: She doesn’t know.
JAMIE: But she’s right downstairs!
JAMES: Jamie, my mom doesn’t even know I’m gay.
JAMIE: But didn’t you bring a boy to your sisters wedding last year and slow-dance with him in front of everyone.
JAMES: Jamie, I was thirteen. People just think it’s innocent and cute, two friends playing around.
JAMIE: But you told me he kissed you like he had duck lips.
JAMES: Well I didn’t kiss him right there on the dance floor, I’m not that blonde!
JAMIE: Oh! Wait, you made me forget why I came over.
JAMES: Because you’ve had a crappy day at school and you think I actually give a damn!
JAMIE: Oh Jamie, you always know just what to say.