Episode Two « All Cleared Up

Act 2 – JAMIE and JAMES come into JAMIE’S house to finish watching the rest of the marathon.

JAMES: Hey, have you got any food?
JAMIE (crying): Food!
JAMES: Why are you crying?
JAMIE: I can’t tell you.

JAMIE folds her arms in front of her chest and pouts. Immediately a number of photographers begin to take pictures of her pose. JAMIE plays up to the camera, shooting different poses until JAMES sits down with her.

JAMES: This is about your first day at school isn’t it? Just tell me what happened so we can get this over and done with and I can go back to watching Tyra Banks yell at another girl.
JAMIE: They all laughed at me.
JAMES: The good kind of laughing? Like when you’ve just had a bucket of blood dumped over your head on prom night and you kill everyone with your telekinetic powers?
JAMIE: Um, no.
JAMES: Oh! Well then you must have done something else. Think. Is there anything you did that would have caused them to laugh at you?
JAMIE: Well I asked out this boy… And he said no!
JAMES: So? Lots of boys have turned you down before. What makes him so special?
JAMIE: Well I sort of asked the back of his head and when he turned around it wasn’t a he it was a she with a really short haircut and now she wants to fight me tomorrow morning before classes.
JAMES: OhMiGod! Have you ever been in a fight before?
JAMIE: Not with anyone like her, she looked tough.
JAMES: I’m sure everything will be okay.

JAMES relaxes back and goes to switch on the TV until JAMIE stops him.

JAMIE: I’m not done whining yet.
JAMES: Oh! It’s just you go on so much that it’s hard to tell when you’re finished!
JAMIE: Well I’m not! Now listen, everyone knows about the fight and they’re all betting that I lose and I checked the stock market and my shares are down three-thousand percent! I don’t even know what that means! I thought things couldn’t get any worse but then this one kid threw a transistor radio at me.

JAMIE holds up the transistor radio.

JAMES: What the heck’s that?
JAMIE: I don’t know but it really hurt.
JAMES: I know! Why not go see if The Professor can loan you some super protective clothes that’ll withstand the force of that freakish half-boy-half-girl thing.
JAMIE: OhMiGod Jamie that just might work.
JAMES: It should, The Professor makes those costumes that all the super heroes wear.
JAMIE: But they’re just Lycra and spandex underpants, how’s that gonna protect me?
JAMES: How the hell should I know? All I know is that he gets Paolo to model them.
JAMIE: Then what are we waiting for?

JAMIE and JAMES run out of the house. CUT TO a stupid montage of outdoor stock footage playing over the theme of “What You Waiting For”. The music kind of goes all radioified as the scene rests on PAOLO who is listening to the song on his iPod whilst cleaning. THE PROF. and his laboratory have since been tidied up and it is now much more bright and colourful. Strange Blue, Pink and Purple liquids fill up countless of test tubes around the lab and lots of intricate experiments are laid out on the tables. THE PROF. goes to greet JAMIE and JAMES at the door.

THE PROF.: Hey you two, what’s with the long faces?
JAMES: Jamie’s freaking out because her first attempt at asking out another girl went wrong!
JAMIE: I didn’t mean to ask out another girl, you’re totally telling the story wrong.

JAMIE stops whining for two seconds to admire the laboratory.

JAMIE: Wow, this place is a lot nicer than before.
THE PROF.: Well that’s because I no longer have to worry about that homicidal Mom-Bot taking over the world. Oh that reminds me, you did upload the disc I gave you, didn’t you?
JAMES: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Anyway, we came because Jamie needs some protective clothes for her fight tomorrow with that über-woman thing.
THE PROF.: Oh goodie! I’ve just finished finalising something brand new in that area. My agent wanted me to use it for the ‘Batman’ movie but I dare say that none of my best inventions will ever be handed over to someone with such close contact to that freak Tom Cruise.
JAMIE: What’s wrong with Tom Cruise?
THE PROF.: If that man got hold of some of my inventions who knows the kind of havoc he would wreak on the world.
JAMIE: But he’s just an actor.
THE PROF.: Oh sister of the foolish whore, if only you knew of the things his evil and twisted mind is capable of producing.
JAMES: That’s nice but can we please get to the part where Paolo models the outfits?
THE PROF.: Hideous things! The consequences of which would be unfathomable.
JAMES: Fashion show, now!
THE PROF.: Do you mind? I am trying to foretell the destruction of mankind.
JAMES: This Tom Cruise joke’s gone on too long. Paolo, prepare to get stripped!
PAOLO: ¡Sí senior!

Montage of PAOLO trying on different outfits and modelling them as JAMIE, JAMES and THE PROF. are judging ala America’s Next Top Model.

JAMES: This is so much better than TV!

PAOLO walks out and we see the three judges from over his shoulder. His outfit consists of nothing at all but his nakedness is out of shot.

JAMIE: How is being naked going to protect me?
THE PROF.: Well this outfit is known as The Distractionator. It renders any foe who dares to challenge the person wearing the outfit completely distracted thus delaying the fight. Isn’t that right James?

JAMES is staring with his mouth open wide.

THE PROF.: James? James!
JAMES: Huh! What?
THE PROF.: Voila!
JAMIE: Wow impressive! *catchphrase gets lots of laughs from the audience*

Montage continues as the music tempo slows down and the three judges become bored and tired. Finally PAOLO comes back out wearing only his apron

JAMIE: Is that it?
JAMES (applauding): What do you mean was that it? That was the best 45 minutes of my life! I think I know which outfit you should go with but I’m not quite sure how it works. Paolo, could you show me a personal demonstration of The Distractionator?
THE PROF.: I don’t have time for your silly little games. Just choose an outfit and leave.
JAMIE: Oh it’s useless! I’m just gonna have to face it; she’s going to beat me to a bloody pulp.
JAMES: I’m sorry, Jamie… Can I have your DVD Player when you die?
THE PROF.: James! You know, there is one more thing which you could do, but it’s very risky.
JAMIE: I don’t care I need to win this fight.

THE PROF. gathers everyone into a group and begins to whisper his plan. JAMES slowly shifts his hand down to feel PAOLO’S butt, which gets a lot of laughs from the audience AKA the fat guy who’s working the canned laughter machine.

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