Episode Two « All Cleared Up
Act 4 – It’s morning, and JAMIE and CALISTA are still knocked out in the cellar. JAMES opens the cellar door.
JAMES: Hello? Calista? Jamie, are you down here?
JAMES slowly creeps down the stairs and sees the two bodies on the floor.
JAMES: OhMiGod! That crazy robot’s killed you. Why didn’t I help you install that program instead of staying behind to help Paolo tidy up? WHY?
JAMIE slowly opens her eyes.
JAMIE: Jamie? What time is it?
JAMES: Oh, you’re alive! Thank god I didn’t have to perform this kiss of life on you! My lips are sore from blowing… That trumpet all night.
JAMIE looks confused as JAMES tries to move away from the subject of his lips.
JAMES: Anyway what happened, few too many celebratory drinks?
CALISTA now slowly wakes up along with JAMIE.
CALISTA: What were we celebrating?
JAMES: That Mom-Bot’s gone to fight that girl.
JAMIE: OhMiGod! We have to get to school before she shreds that girl to pieces.
JAMIE, CALISTA and JAMES rush up the stairs and out of the house.
JAMES: One minute you want the girl dead and the next you’re trying to save her life. Why can’t women just pick something and go with it?
JAMIE: You are so lucky I’ve got other things on my mind or else I would totally bash your skull in right now.
JAMES: Well like Mother like daughter.
JAMIE: What do you mean?
JAMES points to MOM-BOT who is repeatedly smashing the bully’s head on the ground. (WRITER: Did I mention everything in this town is within walking distance of Jamie’s house?)
JAMIE: Mom-Bot, stop! Oh Jamie, get it to stop.
JAMES: I don’t know how, the professor said the Mom-Bot would only give the bully a warning punch.
CALISTA: Well I told you not to rely on that thing to solve your problems.
JAMIE: What are you? Little Miss I-told-you-so!
Upon hearing CALISTA’S voice MOM-BOT drops the bully, who rushes off inside the building, and turns to face CALISTA.
MOM-BOT: No-one shall hurt Jamie.
JAMIE: Mom, she’s not hurting me.
MOM-BOT: Calista threatens to leave Jamie, Jamie gets sad. Mom-Bot makes Jamie happy… Mom-Bot must kill Calista.
JAMES: Wait Jamie, punch yourself in the neck.
JAMIE: Jamie, this is no time to play Jackass.
JAMES: No it’s not that. If Mom-Bot sees you hurting yourself then she might get confused and that’ll give me enough time to disable her weapons.
JAMIE: Since when are you such an expert?
JAMES: Since I got killed by that thing, now do it.
JAMIE begins to slap and punch herself and MOM-BOT’S attention is caught. She then proceeds to come towards all three of them.
MOM-BOT: No-one shall hurt Jamie.
CALISTA: Great plan, Einstein!
JAMES: Why are you coming after me? I haven’t hurt Jamie.
MOM-BOT: You’re gay and Jamie is sad that you will not date her.
JAMES: Oh great, trust The Professor to build a homophobic robot.
JAMIE: I think this is the end. Oh, I have so much more left to do. Lose my virginity to a boyband singer, get married and divorced all in the same week.
JAMES: I wonder what song I should have playing at my funeral?
JAMES pulls out the transistor radio from JAMIE’S house and switches it on. Suddenly, MOM-BOT begins to stall and jerk erratically.
JAMIE: Mom? Oh god, she’s having a fit. Why does this keep happening to every mother I have?
CALISTA: No stupid, it’s the transistor radio, it must be making her wiring malfunction. Quick Jamie, turn it up.
JAMIE grabs the radio from JAMES and turns the volume up. The radio beings to play “Tearin’ Up My Heart”.
JAMES: I love this song!
CALISTA: James, you have to go and disarm Mom-Bot.
JAMES: But, ‘N sync!
JAMES: Hey, you guys were in sync!
JAMES gets a laugh from the audience and goes to disarm MOM-BOT.
JAMIE: What’s taking so long?
CALISTA: Oh no!
CALISTA: Either Justin Timberlake’s voice just broke or the batteries are running out.
JAMES: I can’t disarm her.
JAMIE: Then go get The Professor.
JAMES: No. I mean it’s impossible, the program wasn’t installed.
JAMIE: But how is that possible?
CALISTA: Oh god, were all gonna die!
The batteries run out and all that can be heard is silence. MOM-BOT just stand there.
JAMES: Why isn’t she moving?
JAMIE: Maybe we should just run for it.
MOM-BOT suddenly erects her ray-gun.
MOM-BOT: I have a sudden urge to…
JAMIE: Let me guess. Kill us all?
MOM-BOT: No. I have a sudden urge to.
JAMES: Impale us with your ray-gun?
MOM-BOT: No. I have a sudden urge to…
CALISTA: Do somethin’?
MOM-BOT: No. I have a sudden urge to… Sing!
MOM-BOT’S ray-gun turns into a microphone and MOM-BOT sings the song that was just booming out of the transistor radio.
MOM-BOT (singing): It’s tearin’ up my heart when I’m with you. But when we are apart I feel it too.
JAMIE, CALISTA and JAMES all look confused but then just decide to go with it and start dancing along to Mom-Bot’s singing as the credits roll.
JAMES: That was easy!
JAMIE: Yeah. Do you ever think the writer just got bored and made-up the ending?
JAMES: No. I’m sure it was planned that way all along. Isn’t that right, Tom?
TOM (off-screen): That’s right, James! Now you go dance and have fun until next time!
“All Cleared Up” © 2005-2007 & 2010 Thomas John McNab. “James, The Professor & Jamie” Concept Art based on artwork created by Butch Hartman.