Episode Four « All Cleared Up

Act 4 – JAMES rushes to the apartment JAMIE is in and knocks on the door.

JAMES: God, I hope I don’t find her lying face down in a pool of her own vomit. I couldn’t handle it when Glyn did it and I don’t think I could handle it now.

A voice behind the door calls out.

SOMEONE: Who’s there?
JAMES: Hello? My name’s James, I don’t mean to bother you whilst you’re… Whatever! But Jamie Foster doesn’t happen to be in there does she?
JAMIE: Jamie?
JAMES: Jamie?

JAMIE opens the door.

JAMIE: What are you doing here? No one followed you did they?
JAMES: No. Why didn’t you tell me you’d started your… You know?
JAMIE: You know?
JAMES: Don’t make me say it.
JAMIE: No, I’m asking how you know.
JAMES: Paolo told me.
JAMIE: Paolo! When I get a hold of him he’s in for some serious pain.
JAMES: I’ll let him know. I’m sure he’ll look forward to it, the kinky bugger.
JAMIE: And you’re not mad?
JAMES: Mad! Why would I be mad?
JAMIE: Because! Now I’m becoming… A woman.
JAMES: Jamie, I’m gay, not allergic. I think I can handle my best friend going off the rails every month, lord knows I have before this.
SOMEONE: See, I told you!
JAMES: Who the fuck is that?

JAMES pushes past JAMIE to see CALISTA crouching behind the door.

CALISTA: Hey, watch your language.
JAMES: Calista! I thought you were fired?
CALISTA: Fired from my own show, I don’t think so.
JAMIE: Your show? May I remind you who sings the theme tune.
JAMES: Guys, we don’t have time to compare pay cheques. Mom-Bot’s flying off the handle bars again.
JAMIE: What is it with you and your similes today?
CALISTA: Why is she going crazy?
JAMES: Because I may have accidentally, inadvertently, unavoidably let my mouth do the talking whilst my brain was out walking.

JAMIE grabs JAMES by the collar.

JAMIE: Spill it, four-eyes.
JAMES: …I don’t even wear glasses.
JAMIE: What did you tell her?
JAMES: That you’d started on your journey to becoming a beautiful young women.

JAMIE pushes JAMES away and he falls to the ground.

JAMIE: Oh. My. God!
CALISTA: Fuck! We need to get there right now.

JAMIE and CALISTA rush out of the apartment as JAMIE shakily stands up and slowly follows them.

JAMES: I fell on my bottom.