Episode Four « All Cleared Up
Act 5 – As JAMIE, CALISTA and JAMES approach JAMIE’S house they can hear lots of metal-clashing noises and unhealthy moans fromPAOLO.
CALISTA: OhMiGod, she has hostages?
JAMES: Did I forget to mention I left Paolo with her? Don’t worry, I told him to call The Professor so everything should be sorted out once he gets h – holy God!
As the three walk inside the house they find MOM-BOT floating two feet off the ground with PAOLO impaled on her third arm.
JAMIE: Shit! That’s sick.
CALISTA: That is not a sight I planned on seeing until I was at least twenty-one!
PAOLO: Ow! Stop ride, I want to get off.
JAMES: Isn’t that how this all started?
JAMIE looks at JAMES condescendingly as she approaches MOM-BOT.
MOM-BOT reacts to JAMIE’S voice and the electric sparks cease as she retracts her arm, letting PAOLO fall to the floor.
PAOLO: You all fucking crazy!
PAOLO limps out, clutching his behind as he mutters to himself. Slowly, MOM-BOT descends to the floor in front of JAMIE.
PAOLO (to himself): ¿Qué tiene un individuo hacer alrededor aquí para conseguir ninguna satisfacción violento?
JAMIE: Hi Mom! You didn’t happen to take anything that Jamie said about my bodily functions for real, did you?
MOM-BOT shoots a ray from her laser-arm and JAMIE screams and dodges it.
JAMIE: Is that a yes?
JAMIE: Excuse me? I wasn’t the one with my hand shoved up a man’s behind now, was I?
MOM-BOT: Negative. But soon you will be out until the early hours of the morning, getting drunk and having promiscuous, unprotected sex. Then becoming pregnant and marrying your childhood boyfriend at a chapel in Las Vegas.
JAMIE: Why do you think that?
MOM-BOT: Because, that’s exactly what happened to your sister.
Everyone looks at CALISTA with their mouths open wide.
CALISTA: Oh she’s obviously confused, you morons! Jamie, she thinks Britney Spears is your sister.
JAMIE: Oh! No, Mom-Bot; Calista is my sister, remember?
MOM-BOT: Negative, your sister is one Britney Jean Spears.
JAMES: Yeah, I wish! No offence, Calista.
CALISTA: Mom-Bot, look.
CALISTA grabs a photo of herself holding hands with a young looking JAMIE.
CALISTA: This is me and Jamie standing in our backyard, our mother took this photo of us.
Suddenly, CALISTA throws it to floor and it smashes.
JAMIE: You bitch!
CALISTA grabs the photo and turns it around.
CALISTA: Look here, mom wrote a message on it.
JAMIE: She did? (reading the back of the photo) To my darling daughters, soon I fear I may be gone from this earth, but I want you to know that I will never be far from your hearts and that nothing can stop me from loving you for ever. Make sure you always take care of each other, and remember… that just in case a homicidal robot ever threatens you by saying you’re not sisters; you’ll always have this as proof.
CALISTA: It really says that?
MOM-BOT snatches the photo from JAMIE.
MOM-BOT: Negative! And so the lies begin. I must lock you up in the basement so you can never diminish your character and degrade your body by performing such abusive acts upon yourself.
JAMIE: This is the worst week ever. First I get my period, now I’m being locked up and to top it all off I’ve got a paper cut.
CALISTA: Wait, that’s it.
CALISTA picks up a shard of glass from the floor and cuts her hand.
CALISTA: Now you can see for yourself that Jamie is my sister.
MOM-BOT extends her arm and a blue light radiates over JAMIE and CALISTA’S wounds.
JAMIE: Wow impressive!
MOM-BOT: DNA test complete. I can now verify that Jamie is…
Everyone leans in with their mouths wide open, waiting for the results. Suddenly THE PROF. comes rushing in.
PROF. BEARBEAR: Do really not fear! I’m here to rescue you all and save the day.
JAMES slams the door in his face and joins CALISTA and JAMIE, who are now drooling.
MOM-BOT: Let me finish my sentence, you foolish whore.
JAMIE: Go on.
MOM-BOT: Jamie is not the sister of Britney Jean Spears. Her DNA matches that of Calista Foster.
JAMIE: Did you hear that? She recognizes you again! Now you can live with us forever.
CALISTA: Uh, Jamie, that wasn’t the deal.
JAMIE: Wait a minute, Mom. If Calista is my real sister, then shouldn’t you lock her up so she can’t perform any wrong deeds that I would emulate, being of such a young and impressionable age?
MOM-BOT shoots from her ray-gun and floats CALISTA off the floor and down into the basement.
CALISTA: No, not again! I have a library book to return.
JAMIE: Don’t worry; I’ll see it gets back on time.
JAMES: Well that wasn’t very nice of you. After all the help she gave you with your period.
JAMIE: Hey, you said it.
JAMES: I did, didn’t I; and I only threw up a tiny bit in my mouth.
JAMES wipes his mouth on his sleeve and JAMIE notices there’s blood on it.
JAMIE: Jamie, what’s that?
JAMES: What? I thought all the cool kids were doing it.
JAMIE: Oh you!
JAMES: That’s me! Speaking of which, is it just me or does it seem that every episode ends with Mom-Bot going through the roof and almost killing someone?
TOM (voiceover): It’s just you, James.
JAMIE: Well that answers that question.
JAMES: I guess so! Come on, let’s go and have some of your Mom’s macaroons, I hear they’re delicious!
JAMIE and JAMES walk off as the credits roll. In the distance you can hear CALISTA screaming.
THE PROF. calls out from behind the door.
THE PROF.: Is everyone alright? Because I’m not! I broke a nail… And my head is bleeding.
“All Cleared Up” © 2005-2007 & 2010 Thomas John McNab. “James, The Professor & Jamie” Concept Art based on artwork created by Butch Hartman.