Episode Five « All Cleared Up
Act 1 – JAMIE is sitting outside on one of the dining tables in the school yard. After her science lesson and conversation with DANNY she feels on top of the world. Humming a tune in her head, her good mood is suddenly dampened when a clique of girls all pounce on her table, surrounding her from every side and making escape impossible.
JAMIE: Well, if it isn’t Leather Tuscadero and her band of misguided followers… Hello, Nicole.
JAMIE nods in the direction of a young, brunette girl who is cowering behind the clique’s obvious leader TIFFANY BRANTFORD (who is so important she must always be called by her full name).
TIFFANY BRANTFORD: Hey, you made it quite clear you didn’t want her. After all, who could ever take the place of your precious gay-boyfriend?
JAMIE: How dare you?! You poached her from me, you insufferable crack-whore.
TIFFANY BRANTFORD: You better know yourself if you’re talking about me, little girl! I didn’t come sit at your loser-table for a round of insult-tennis.
JAMIE: Then why are you here?
TIFFANY BRANTFORD: I just wanted a verbal explanation as to why you were brushing up against Danny in science today as if you were a dog humping on his leg.
JAMIE: What Danny and I get up to is none of your business.
At this statement comes a horrendous burst of high-pitched hyena-like cackling erupts from the clique.
TIFFANY BRANTFORD: Did you hear that girls? She actually thinks she has a chance with Danny.
JAMIE: I’ve got more of a chance than you.
TIFFANY BRANTFORD: Maybe so. But you do realise that anything he has with you will simply be nothing more than starters for the main course… that of which being me.
JAMIE: He’s not going to eat you.
TIFFANY BRANTFORD: We’ll just see about that come Prom night. Ladies!
TIFFANY BRANTFORD clicks her fingers and the group of girls assemble and leave JAMIE to finish her dinner, passing JAMES on the way out.
JAMES: Hey, girlfriend!
JAMES waves at NICOLE who walks past and blanks him. Suddenly, he’s face to breasts with TIFFANY BRANTFORD (she’s wearing heels).
TIFFANY BRANTFORD: Eww! Watch where you’re breathing, Hobbit. I almost caught the gay.
JAMES: And a nice day to you too! (Under his breath) Queen of the Herpes! Ugh, never in my life have I met a ruder or more obnoxious girl than Tiffany Brantford. I predict she will go on to do great things.
JAMIE: Sterilisation would be a good start!
JAMES laughs, unpacks his lunch and joins a dejected looking JAMIE at the table.
JAMIE: So where were you?
JAMES: I told you this morning, I had a meeting with the yearbook committee.
JAMIE: Since when have you been on the yearbook committee?
JAMES: Ever since Ms. Kyes forced us to participate in some extra-curricular activities.
JAMIE: Ugh, I hate that woman. She always honks her horn whenever she sees me in the street.
JAMES: You should warn her that speed kills; she comes tearing down your street as if she owns it.
JAMIE: She might as well; she only lives a few doors down from me.
JAMES: Ha, you live on the same street as her.
JAMIE: Thank god Mom-Bot doesn’t know otherwise she’d insist on inviting her over.
JAMES: Well let’s hope The Professor sorts out kinks like that and sends back a Mom-Bot that more closely resembles a real mom: Someone who doesn’t take an interest in their child’s life and is a neglecting, alcoholic, socially dependant mess.
JAMIE: Who are these real mom’s you speak of?
JAMES: Um, certainly not mine. Hey, not to change the subject, but you never told me what you chose as your extra-curricular activity.
JAMIE: That’s not important now. What I’m more bothered about is the fact that I think I may have just made a complete fool of myself in front of Danny during science class today.
JAMES: That boy you like?
JAMIE: Yeah, but I should just give up now. There’s no way he’d ever want to go out with me.
JAMIE: But Tiffany Brantford and her clique said…
JAMIE: Don’t you listen to them. They’re so harsh; they just wanted to piss you off. Honestly, you’re catch twenty-two! Who wouldn’t want you?
JAMIE: You didn’t want me.
JAMES: Yes but I was gay from birth, dear.
JAMIE: That’s ridiculous; studies have proven that children do not have the mental…
JAMES: I’m gay, we’ve discussed this. I’ll father your children when you’re a bitter, divorced old hag, move in with you when you’re sixty-five and if we’re both single by the time we’re ninety I’ll consider a legalised union… but only if I get to wear the veil.
JAMIE: So you think I could still have a chance with him?
JAMES: I will personally see to it that by tonight, you two are inseparable.
JAMIE: You’re gonna do all that for me?
JAMES: I’m not saying it’ll be easy. In fact, excuse me while I call for reinforcements.
JAMIE: If you call A-B-C I’m leaving. No boy is worth that amount of public humiliation.