Episode Five « All Cleared Up
Act 4 – A completely transformed JAMIE bounces down the stairs as she goes to answer the door. She opens it is greeted by DANNY who, even though isn’t facing her, she can tell has also dressed up since she last saw him.
JAMIE: Danny, hi!
DANNY is about to say hi back, but when he turns around he notices JAMIE’S sexy new look he takes a step back and holds his mouth open in amazement. Then he steps off to the side and looks into the distance.
DANNY (monologue): Seeing girl’s everyday at school makes it easier to notice when they change their appearance in order to impress you. So make sure you compliment them, and it should score some big points later on where it really matters.
JAMES walks over to JAMIE as she casually pretends not to notice DANNY talking to himself.
JAMES (whisper): What the fuck is he doing?
JAMIE: Oh, that? He does that occasionally, I don’t like to question it. I think he might be recovering from a brain tumour, or something.
JAMES: Alright. Well as long as you two are okay.
JAMIE: I think we’ll be fine, you can go upstairs now.
JAMES waves goodbye to DANNY as he goes upstairs.
JAMES: Bye Danny… (whisper) you freak!
JAMIE waits patiently for DANNY to stop talking. When he finishes, she acts like she didn’t hear anything he just said.
DANNY: Jamie, you’re looking fine.
JAMIE: Oh, this old thing? I just threw it on last minute.
DANNY: Well it’s… ooh; I like your nail polish!
JAMIE pouts as DANNY walks in and they get their books out. From the staircase, JAMES and PAOLO are secretly watching them.
JAMES: He did notice her nails! You’re a fashion guru, Paolo.
PAOLO: You should see what else I do.
PAOLO: I could show…
PAOLO reaches out and makes his fingers walk up JAMES’ chest, until he reaches his nose and lightly taps it.
JAMES: What about Jamie?
PAOLO: Screw the bitch! Er, I mean… I sure she will be fine alone.
JAMES and PAOLO go upstairs and leave JAMIE alone with DANNY.
JAMIE: So, what do you know about the human chromosomes?
DANNY: Well… I know that ‘I’ plus ‘U’ equals ‘L-O-V-E’.
JAMIE: Okay… which one is the ‘I’ chromosome?
DANNY (monologue): It’s important to know what pace your date feels most comfortable at. If you come on too strong, you could get caught off base. Take it too slow and you could be looking at a strike. Though if you find just the right speed you never know, you could end up hitting a home-run.
JAMIE: Are we studying Gym or Science?
DANNY: To be honest I don’t know, I couldn’t pay attention with someone so beautiful as you in class.
JAMIE: Aww! What are you trying to say?
DANNY: I like you Jamie, I like you a lot.
JAMIE: I like you too. I guess we’re not gonna get much studying done.
DANNY: Oh really! When will your parents be home?
JAMIE: My mom’s not coming back until tomorrow.
DANNY: I see. (Monologue) One can’t be oblivious to the signs a girl puts out, no matter how cryptic they may seem. If a girl says ‘Does my butt look big in this’ what she’s really saying is ‘Tell me I’m pretty’. If a girl invites you over when her parents are out of town, what she’s really saying is ‘I want you to fuck me until dawn’.
JAMIE: Excuse me?
JAMIE: I… I just think that we have time to do some studying first, before…
JAMIE: Before… you leave.
JAMIE: Yes. When you leave tonight… still a virgin.
DANNY: Say what?
JAMIE: Danny, I’m sorry. I’m just not ready for that sort of commitment so soon into a relationship.
DANNY: Relationship? (Monologue) Sometimes your friendly unattached gesture can be misconstrued as something more than what you intended it to be. Make sure you explain your intentions straight off the back. Girls always appreciate an honest guy who’s not afraid to talk about his feelings.
JAMIE: Oh! I don’t mean to sound needy; I just figured we could go out on an actual date first.
DANNY: That’s cool. You know, I will wait as long as you want.
JAMIE: Oh, Danny!
DANNY (Monologue): Remember my tips on lies, and how sometimes it’s better than telling the truth.
JAMIE: You’re lying?
DANNY: Um, you’re not supposed to hear that.
JAMIE: Well I did, and to be honest it’s a little off-putting. You tell me one thing then your subconscious says something completely different.
DANNY: I, um… I’m recovering from a brain tumour.
JAMIE: I know, and I’m so sorry. What you must have been through is…
DANNY: It grew back.
DANNY: That’s why I’ve been acting so strange, and that’s why I was rushing things. I don’t know how long I have left.
DANNY: I get called up.
JAMIE: You’re being recruited?
DANNY: I’m dying, Jamie! So excuse me if my dick wanted a little action before it’s too late.
JAMIE: I… I, um..?
DANNY: You’re definitely alone?
In a very sitcom-like way the scene cuts to JAMIE’S basement where the dishevelled CALISTA is now stood at the door with her ear pressed up against it. The scene cuts back and DANNY pounces on JAMIE.
DANNY (Monologue): Make sure you check out the last few pages of my survival guide for some extra tips on “going all the way” and how to prove it’s not statutory rape!
JAMIE: What? Help, Jamie!
JAMIE cries out but JAMES, who is upstairs with PAOLO, doesn’t answer. As DANNY pins JAMIE down she screams and all of a suddenCALISTA bursts through the basement door sending wood chips flying everywhere. DANNY jumps off of JAMIE and watches as a dishevelled and enraged CALISTA emerges from the dust. She grunts and stamps her foot as DANNY backs away from JAMIE and heads towards the door. CALISTA scream and bolts for DANNY, who screams back and runs out of the house. With all the noise, JAMIEsuddenly sees JAMES and PAOLO rushing down the stairs.
JAMES: What’s going on? Was that Calista I just saw chasing Danny out of the house?
JAMIE: Yeah. Where were you two, I was screaming your name.
PAOLO: Usted no era el único.
JAMES looks at PAOLO then looks away and blushes as PAOLO giggles. JAMIE pouts with a confused look.