Episode Six « All Cleared Up
Opening – It’s a cold, weekend afternoon in sitcom-land. JAMES is in his bedroom watching the TV when JAMIE walks in unannounced and collapses onto his sofa.
JAMIE: My life sucks.
JAMES: Shush. TV. Go have your midlife crisis someplace else.
JAMIE: Do you not even care in the slightest?
JAMES: Please, I’ve had to trawl through the crap that is known as mid-season scheduling in order to get to this!
JAMES flails out his arms in front of the TV.
JAMIE: “That’s So Raven”?
JAMES: Yes! It’s the one where Raven finally kills Chelsea, just like she killed the mom.
JAMIE: Raven killed the mom?
JAMES: Not in the actual show, but on the set. “People” magazine reported that apparently she flipped out during a script reading and beat her over the head with a boom mic.
JAMIE: Well, that would explain why she’s not in the show anymore.
JAMES: And the reason no-one ever talks about her character. Oh! Be quiet, this is it.
CHELSEA (on TV): Harder, Raven. Pull it out.
RAVEN: Girl, I am not touching that thing again it is nasty. You got it stuck up there and you can damn well get it unstuck.
CHELSEA: Fine. We’ll just have to replace the pop-up pirate with this army man. Pow! Pow! Bang! Take cover, everybody!
RAVEN: Chelsea! You need professional help, girl. Now I have called the psychiatric ward and they’re gonna send over a van and some men in white coats to pick you up.
CHELSEA: Ooh, I see them coming. They’re in a plane. Vrooooom!
RAVEN: Chels, that’s a seagull.
CHELSEA: I had a seagull once. Well, it wasn’t so much a seagull as it was a budgie. Ha, isn’t that a funny word? Budgie! Budge, budge…
CHELSEA continues to rant off screen as we hear a chainsaw being revved up, followed by a shrill, piercing scream.
JAMIE: Holy crap, can they really show this on Disney?
JAMES: Oh this isn’t the Disney Channel. It’s Disney “Double-D”, their new Cable channel. Later on they’re showing “The Shveet Life of Zack and Cody”, you know the one where they go backpacking around Amsterdam?
JAMIE: Oh right. I don’t have cable anymore.
JAMES: Oh! Excuse me for a second.
JAMES walks out of the bedroom and leaves JAMIE, who shrugs her shoulders and goes back to watching TV. A few seconds later he walks back in with a glass of water in his hands, takes a sip and sprays it out through his lips.
JAMES: What the fuck?
JAMIE: I tried to tell you, ever since my Mom-Bot got back from The Professor’s, she’s been like über-mom! She’s been taking me on long drives and having chats with me about life, which is ironic seeing how she started out life as a soda can.
JAMES: So, just come over to watch TV at my house.
JAMIE: That’s not the only thing though. She told me that in order for me to grow up a responsible and well-adjusted young woman I have to learn the value of ethics.
JAMES: She’s not making you join a convent is she?
JAMIE: No, but she might as well have! She took away my allowance and wants me to get a job and to be honest with you I’m gonna have to get a job because it’s Christmas in a few weeks and I won’t have enough money to buy everyone presents.
JAMES: Oh, honey! That’s okay; nothing says “I love you” like cash!
“Every birthday, my mom would say to me
You’re another year older and you’re still getting spottier
But then she died and I moved in with my sister
I’m called Jamie, she’s Calista and our Mom is a robot!
All Cleared Up!
I really wanna scream it loud!
All Cleared Up!
I want them all to know!
All Cleared Up!
I really hope that things will be,
All Cleared Up for me!”