Episode Six « All Cleared Up
Act 4 – JAMIE is back at the Pizza Hutch, looking for BRANDON . She peers into the kitchen and sees JAMES assembling pizzas with a depressed look on his face.
JAMIE: Hey, is Brandon around.
JAMES: He just went into the store cupboard to get some more stuff. You’re not quitting are you?
JAMIE: Do you want me to?
JAMES throws down the pepperoni slice he was holding and walks over to JAMIE.
JAMES: Of course not. The only reason I got this stupid, moronic job was so we could hang out. Lately it seems we can’t do anything without it turning into an episode of “Everwood” or something.
JAMIE: You still haven’t watched that yet have you?
JAMES: It’s on my to-do list.
JAMIE: I’m sorry I got jealous, I’m just not used to people being better at things than me.
JAMES: It’s cool.
JAMIE: Can I walk you home?
JAMES: Alright, but no hand-holding.
JAMES: Okay. But only when we cross the street, I don’t want people getting the wrong idea.
JAMIE leaves the kitchen and goes into the staff room as BRANDON is walking out of the store room. He jumps when he sees JAMIE.
JAMIE: Don’t worry, I’m unarmed. I just came here to plead for my shift back.
BRANDON: Sure, you’re back on tomorrow.
JAMIE: Really, it’s that easy? What did the manager say?
BRANDON: You mean when I told him you’d gone home because of women’s problems?
BRANDON: Don’t mention it. Just make sure you keep the cheese on the pizzas, and off my face.
JAMIE turns around and flexes out her hand on which she is wearing one of the gloves PROF. BEARBEAR gave her.
JAMIE: I don’t think that’ll be a problem.
The next day, when JAMIE and JAMES return to work, JAMIE has her secret weapon at hand (literally).
JAMES: Just so you know, I was nowhere near making the number of pizzas I made on our first day yesterday. I guess without you I’m not as good at this job as everyone thinks.
JAMIE: Let’s show those bastards that it’s you and me who’s responsible for half the monthly income of this restaurant.
JAMES: That’d be a feat after only three days on the job!
JAMIE: Well today we have friendship on our side…
As JAMES walks into the kitchen JAMIE lags behind and slips on the leather gloves.
JAMIE: And a little something extra.
JAMES: What was that?
JAMIE: Um, I just said I have a little something extra. On the first day my hands were being irritated by the peppers and stuff so I’m gonna wear these gloves.
JAMES: Bitching! One Tropicana.
JAMES cries out as JAMIE realises she had better get a move on. She approaches her blank canvas that is the pizza base and holds out her hands. After a few seconds, nothing happens. Nervously, JAMIE looks over at JAMES who has paused to see why JAMIE isn’t working.
JAMES: What’s the matter?
JAMIE: I’m just gonna go get some cheese, we’re running low.
JAMIE rushes to the door but JAMES cries out.
JAMES: Here’s some, you can use my tub.
JAMIE: Oh, I wouldn’t want to do that. It’s best if we each have our own share.
JAMES: There’s enough here for both of us.
JAMIE: God Jamie, I can’t believe you’re judging my perception of cheese, I’m telling you the truth! If we don’t get some more before the rush the consequences could be an unfathomable disaster of epic proportions.
JAMES: It’s just cheese.
JAMIE: It is not just cheese. It is the earth upon which we, the Gods, spread our seeds.
JAMIE: I’ll be right back.
JAMIE rushes out the kitchen and into the toilet. She takes off the gloves and examines them.
JAMIE: Where’s that button?
JAMIE searches for the button the professor used yesterday. She finds it and turns it to what she believes is the maximum. Frantically searching for something to test the gloves on, she goes over to the toilet paper roll and begins to pull it out. In a matter of seconds the whole roll is pulled out and laying in a heap on the floor. She leaves the bathroom with an evil grin and is about to return to the kitchen when she is grabbed by a pair of hands. She screams and turns around to see BRANDON .
JAMIE: Argh! Do you know how many cases of work-related sexual harassments are filed by women each year?
BRANDON: Er, I was just gonna check that you washed your hands… or gloves.
JAMIE: Oh. Why yes I did.
BRANDON: I’m sorry I got all Colonel Sanders on you yesterday; I just didn’t want you getting into real trouble and getting fired. I don’t know if you noticed but you’re the only girl who works here.
JAMIE: Does this outfit make me look like a complete airhead or something?
BRANDON: No, you’re hot.
JAMIE takes a step back and there is an awkward silence.
BRANDON: I better be getting back to work.
JAMIE: Yeah me too.
JAMIE and BRANDON go their separate ways as JAMIE reaches the kitchen and sees an abundance of pizzas in front of JAMES.
JAMIE: Oh snap!
JAMES: Hey you’re back. It’s a good thing you went to get that… where’s the cheese?
JAMIE: What cheese?
JAMES: The cheese you just went to… Never mind I’ll go get it myself. Make some pizzas, for God’s sake; it’s what they’re paying you for!
JAMES leaves JAMIE alone as she edges over to the preparation counter and slowly reaches over to the cheese.
JAMIE: Oh I’ll make some pizzas alright.
Suddenly, JAMIE’S hands take on a mind of their own as ingredients from every corner of the counter become embroiled in a pizza-like orgy of flavour. In a few minutes there are more pizzas than ingredients and JAMIE is forced to stop. As she does she takes in the sight of the pizza filled room and gasps as JAMES walks in.
JAMES: How many food-related jokes do you think I can get away with before the other workers want to rip me a new… holy crap!
Upon seeing the tub of cheese in JAMES’ hands, JAMIE’S gloved hands literally propel her toward it as she knocks the tub into the air and JAMESonto the floor. Before she can stop to say sorry her hands are reaching for the other ingredients as they too are flung in the air. Then JAMIE’Shands each spin a pizza base up into the air to catch the falling toppings.
JAMES: I fell on my bottom.
JAMIE: I’m sorry, but I can’t stop them.
JAMES: Them? They’re your hands! What are they, possessed?
JAMIE cries as she still cannot stop her hands from making pizzas. JAMES stands up and gasps.
JAMES: Ohmigod, is this like that scene in “The Exorcist” when Regan fucks herself with the crucifix? You’re not gonna start shoving carrots in places, are you?
JAMIE: Jamie, help!
JAMES: Should I call a priest?
JAMIE: No, it’s the gloves. Help me get them off.
JAMES tries to grab at the gloves and eventually he pulls one of them off, tossing it into the open oven. With one hand free JAMIE manages to pull the other one off. She throws it to floor but amazingly it leaps into the air and attacks JAMES, strangling him.
JAMES: Pardon my French, but get this thing off of me!
JAMIE pulls at the glove as JAMES makes gurgling sounds, trying desperately to breathe. In one clean sweep JAMIE yanks the glove off and tosses it into the oven with its partner. She closes the door as JAMES gulps in the air.
JAMES: You know, I always dreamed about something out of the Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue not being able to take their hands off of me. I just wish it had been one of the models.
JAMIE: I am so sorry.
JAMES: It wasn’t your fault, it was those possessed gloves.
JAMIE: They weren’t possessed; they were an invention by The Professor I used to help me make pizzas quicker than you.
JAMES: Oh… so they’re electric?
JAMES: And we just threw them into the oven?
JAMIE and JAMES slowly face the oven before grabbing each other and running out of the kitchen. In slow-motion, they exit just as the oven explodes, the resulting force pushing them to the floor in the restaurant. Scared customers scream and run out as do the other workers (this part, not in slow-motion).
JAMIE: Quick go check the staff room, I’ll check the toilets to make sure no one is still inside.
JAMES rushes into the staff room yelling.
JAMES: Everyone, get out! The place is on fire.
JAMES quickly heads to the end of the staff room and peers into the storeroom. Inside, he sees BRANDON stood in the corner next to the mayonnaise jar with his trousers round his ankles. JAMES gasps at the half naked boy in front of him and BRANDON jumps. Panicking, he turns his head round and stutters.
BRANDON: This isn’t what it looks like.
JAMES: I knew it!
JAMIE joins JAMES in the staff room to see if the restaurant is evacuated and sees BRANDON too.
JAMIE: Is everybody – Wow impressive. I hope you wash your hands afterwards!
JAMES: We don’t have time for that; we need to get out of here.
Grabbing BRANDON (by the hand – eww), JAMES and JAMIE rush out of the building as flames begin to engulf the whole restaurant. Luckily, everyone is outside and no-one is hurt. JAMIE, JAMES and BRANDON look on in shock as another explosion comes from the burning building.
BRANDON: I can’t believe the Pizza Hutch is on fire.
JAMIE: I can’t believe I set it on fire.
JAMES: I can’t believe Brandon’s still half naked!
Blushing, BRANDON turns around and begins fumbling with his trousers.