Episode Eight « All Cleared Up
Act 5 – JAMES is finishing off his story.
JAMES (mimicking JAMIE): Thank you for saving me, Paolo; you were so brave. I live to cheer another day thanks to your quick thinking and heroism, and let’s not forget your rippling muscles and tight firm buttocks… Now kiss me, goddamnit! Take me right here, right now!
JAMES throws his head back in a fit of passion and sees JAMIE behind him on the staircase with PAOLO.
JAMES: Oh hello, Jamie. I was just done telling everyone what happened to you today.
JAMIE: I heard.
CALISTA: And is it true.
JAMIE: Of course it’s not true.
MOM-BOT: Oh Jamie, thank goodness, I was so worried you were hurt.
JAMIE: I wasn’t hurt, I wasn’t attacked and I…
CALISTA: Didn’t become a cheerleader.
JAMIE: Actually, that part Jamie did get right.
JAMES: See, I told you I’d have this mystery solved. I’m so better than you and your mystery machine team.
CALISTA: Be quiet!
THE PROF.: Can I just ask, why on earth was Paolo with you?
JAMIE: I got promoted so quickly after Ms. Fairchild’s death…
JAMES: Seventy-two years running as head cheerleader!
JAMIE: Anyway, I needed someone with a little experience to help me coach the squad and I remembered Paolo had been a cheerleader back in his hometown.
PAOLO: ‘Tis true, before they chased me out of the country I best in all of México.
CALISTA: When did you even start cheerleading?
JAMES: I can answer that question. Ms. Kyes, our principal, got Jamie on the squad after pushing me and Jamie to become more involved in the school’s extra-curricular activities. I should have realised sooner but, we can’t solve ’em all!
THE PROF.: Hold on, you told me Paolo just kept muttering Jamie was cut.
PAOLO: Sí, Jamie make cut.
CALISTA: To the squad!
MOM-BOT: Which is why you were so distraught; as your kind hearted nature couldn’t bear anyone to be left out of the team.
JAMES: Which I would have gotten round to explaining had you all given me the chance.
THE PROF.: So, let me get this straight. No-one’s hurt and you spent the past forty-five minutes crying because you had to cut someone from your cheerleading squad. What a load of bollocks.
JAMIE: I’m sorry I got everyone worried, but I’m okay now.
JAMES: Great, now I can get back to watching Tarzan.
CALISTA: Ooh, I’m up for that.
MOM-BOT: You can sit here if you would like to, Calista. I warmed the seat up with my heat-ray.
CALISTA approaches the sofa-chair warily and lowers herself in it.
CALISTA: Thank you.
THE PROF.: I’m glad to see the Mom-Bot’s acting well… so I guess if you don’t need me.
PAOLO: Come professor; sit next to me and Jamie.
PAOLO stands up and pulls THE PROF. down in-between himself and JAMES, who turns on the TV, reaching behind THE PROF. afterwards to feel PAOLO’S butt.
THE PROF.: That’s me you’re molesting, not Paolo.
JAMES: Oh! Well, it is a very impressive behind.
PAOLO: It is, isn’t it!
PAOLO reaches behind to feel.
CALISTA: Boys, pay attention to the half naked man on TV!
JAMIE: Wait, I’m confused.
THE PROF.: As is expected.
JAMIE: No, what lesson have I learnt today.
THE PROF.: Not to waste other people’s time?
CALISTA: Not to get so emotional.
MOM-BOT: That you should always tell mother your problems?
PAOLO: That green doesn’t go well with red and you should change the cheerleading-uniforms.
JAMES: How about nothing. You had a day filled with random, meaningless events that in no way affect your life as whole, but we all have them. Honestly, Jamie, sometimes you act as if your life is one big show.
Everyone looks into the camera.
EVERYBODY: Th-th-th-th-th-that’s all, folks!
“All Cleared Up” © 2005-2007 & 2010 Thomas John McNab. “James, The Professor & Jamie” Concept Art based on artwork created by Butch Hartman.