Episode Twelve « All Cleared Up

Act 3At THE PROF.’S laboratory, JAMES bangs his fist on the door and storms in as soon as it opens.

THE PROF.: Oh, James! I wasn’t expecting you.
JAMES: I need that gun, now! Whatever you have to do, any test subjects you need; I’ll be there. Just make my dad normal again.
THE PROF.: I haven’t been working on the impulse ray actually. Would you like a drink, James?
JAMIE: James?!
JAMIE walks out of a room and over to where JAMES and THE PROF. are stood.
JAMIE: How come you offer him a drink and not me?
THE PROF.: Because, I’ve already done more than enough for you tonight.
JAMES: Oh? Did I interrupt something?!
THE PROF.: Please remove whatever sordid little fantasy you have playing in your head right now.
JAMIE: You’ll never believe what this freakin’ genius has gone and done now!
JAMES: Built a ladder to the moon!
THE PROF.: No, the Russians beat me to that.
JAMIE: He’s come up with a way for your Dad and my Mom to have a relationship.
JAMES: Whoa, whoa, whoa, there will be no having of the relationship, I told you this. I want all those thoughts my dad has of your Mom-Bot sucked right out of his head.
JAMIE: What! Why?
JAMES: Trust me, you’d rather not know – I’d rather not know. In fact, can you get me that drink now; I need to do some serious binge-forgetting.
THE PROF. walks off as JAMIE pulls on JAMES’ arm.
JAMIE: Come on!
JAMES: Nuh-uh!
JAMIE: You don’t think my Mom’s good enough for your Dad?
JAMES: No, I don’t think your Mom’s human enough for my Dad.
JAMIE: But that’s what I’m trying to tell you, the professor told me about an upgrade he’s been working on; a way to give Mom-Bot a human body.
JAMES: Oh, I’m sorry, did I walk into Frankenstein’s laboratory?!
THE PROF.: It’s not a human body!
THE PROF. walks back in with a drink and hands it to JAMES, who downs it in one.
THE PROF.: It’s a very lifelike, posomatronic skin that would replace Mom-Bot’s hard exterior shell.
JAMES: Is this Gatorade?
THE PROF.: What, you expect me to serve you alcohol?
JAMES: Paolo did!
THE PROF.: Well Paolo isn’t here anymore.
THE PROF. snatches the empty glass from JAMES.
JAMIE: Hello, am I the only one concentrating here? He can make my mom look human!
JAMES: Really?
THE PROF.: In essence, this new shell would act as human skin. You could get it wet without any significant damage; she’d be able to fell the hot and–
JAMES: She could have sex!
THE PROF.: Why do you always immediately go to that place?
JAMES: She could have sex… with my dad!
JAMIE: Even better; she could marry your dad. I mean, no priest in their right mind would marry a human and a robot… but a human and a robot that looks like a human, we might just get away with!
JAMES: We’d be like sisters!
JAMIE: Brother and sisters!
JAMES and JAMIE begin jumping up and down excitedly. They pull in THE PROF. who begins jumping along with them. Caught up in the moment, JAMES kisses THE PROF..
JAMES: You fucking genius!
THE PROF.: It’s my pleasure?!
JAMIE giggles and goes to kiss THE PROF..
THE PROF.: Alright, let’s not get carried away.
THE PROF. shoves JAMIE away, knocking her down to the ground.
THE PROF.: There’s still a lot of work that needs to be done.
JAMES: Then what are you waiting for, start working your mojo.
THE PROF.: There’s just one thing… one tiny little detail I held back from mentioning.
JAMIE: There’s a chance she’ll turn into a homicidal maniac and try to kill us all! Geez, you’re like a friggin’ broken record.
THE PROF.: No, it’s not that. Malfunctioning after the upgrade will be significantly reduced. What I didn’t mention was that when I started working on this upgrade, I had to make the decision of what appearance this skin was going to have.
JAMIE: You mean her face.
THE PROF.: Exactly! So I took it upon myself to come up with something, I thought, would best reflect a mother.
JAMES: Ooh, can you make her look like Mary Alice from Desperate Housewives?
THE PROF.: No, the skin already has an appearance.
JAMIE: It does? Don’t you think you should have consulted me on this before now?
THE PROF.: I didn’t want to tell you about it earlier in case the project failed. I think you’ll like what I decided on… after all, it is modelled on your DNA.
THE PROF. strides away quickly as JAMIE double takes and catches up with him.
JAMIE: Excuse me, my what?
THE PROF.: Your DNA! A few months ago I… took a sample in order to generate a faithful image of what your mother might look like.
JAMIE: But I know what my mother looks like – Mom-Bot isn’t my mother, she’s my foster Mother.
THE PROF.: Yes, but I thought that perhaps the best thing, the face you’d respond to well most, would be one that resembles–
JAMIE: My dead Mom?! You sick freak!
THE PROF.: No, no, no!
JAMIE: You know, I knew this was too good to be true. I said to myself, I said ‘Jamie, don’t get your hopes up’ so I didn’t get my hopes up, but then you…
JAMIE points at JAMES.
JAMIE: You had to go and get me all excited.
JAMES: Hold up, don’t try to blame your little idiosyncratic tendencies on me, missy!
THE PROF.: Calm down, I did not make it look like your deceased mother – God rest her soul. I simply ran some advanced software on your DNA to come up with a myriad of facial features to choose from.
JAMIE: Oh! Well thank goodness; let’s take a look.
THE PROF.: I already decided on one.
JAMIE: Again, you raise my hopes again!
THE PROF.: I’m sorry, but if I had waited to ask you for your opinion after I knew the upgrade was going to work, it would have taken me another five or six months to finish it.
JAMIE: But you always get to play God, when is it going to be my turn?!
JAMES: We could clone you a baby; you could choose its face.
THE PROF.: Meh, that didn’t work so well for Tom Cruise. Besides, cloning is a very tricky business. Even I had reservations about taking some of your DNA to test on.
JAMIE: Why, afraid you’d catch cooties?!
THE PROF.: Doesn’t it bother you, the thought of me running thousands of tests on your genetic make-up? Tests to find to what you’d look like if you’re a boy, or black, or Chinese, err, for example.
JAMIE: Not really.
THE PROF.: Huh, to be young and free of paranoia; those were the days.
JAMES: Yeah, enough trips down memory lane, Granddad, get to work!
THE PROF.: You’re right! Don’t worry about a thing Jamie. In a few hours, you’re going to wonder why you ever doubted me.
THE PROF. walks out of the room as JAMIE claps her hands together in anticipation.
JAMIE: You staying?
JAMES: Please, I am not going back home.
JAMIE: You wanna go see if we can hack into The Professor computer and find that program he’s been using.
JAMES: Do I?! I wanna find out what you’d like if you’re an Inuit!
JAMIE: What’s an Inuit?
JAMES: I don’t know!