Episode Twelve « All Cleared Up
Act 5 – Inside a crowded movie theatre, MOM-BOT and GERARD sit next to each other, sharing popcorn and waiting for the feature to start. A few rows behind, JAMIE watches with a huge grin on her face as JAMES walks down the aisle with a soda in each hand.
JAMES: Here; has she turned homicidal yet?
JAMIE: Nope, it’s perfect!
JAMES: Precious, now can we please go?
JAMIE: No, we have to make sure this date goes off without a hitch.
JAMES: Well my Dad seems to be having the time of his life; which doesn’t help validate the past sixteen years of my life.
JAMIE: Oh, I’m sorry; I completely forgot your Dad’s still married to your Mom.
JAMES: Trust me, my dad’s been wanting to leave her ever since he found she was banging the gardener. He’s just knows if he does I’ll want to live with Mom, and he’s afraid that’ll send me over the line.
JAMIE: What line?
JAMES: The gay line.
JAMIE: Oh! Well why not just come out to your dad?
JAMES: He’s my father; I’ve got to give the guy a little hope, even if he is wasting his time.
JAMIE: So let me get this straight; your Mom’s having an affair which your dad knows about, but he doesn’t want to leave her because he’s afraid if he does you’ll turn gay.
JAMES: You couldn’t’ve said it better even if you were a bigoted old man!
JAMIE: Ooh shush, the previews are starting!
JAMES and JAMIE get comfy and look at the big-screen.
NARRATOR (on screen): It was supposed to be his curse.
FRANTIC BRITISH WOMAN: You’re head is on FIRE!
NARRATOR: He made it his destiny.
NICOLAS CAGE: Shuuut uuup, bitch!
NARRATOR: The most exciting and high-octane action-thriller you’ll see this week.
NICOLAS CAGE: Get off this bus.
CHAV-LEADER: We’z in’t going n e where.
NICOLAS CAGE: I think you’re mistaken; see my head is flaming, and that means you either do what I say, or start dying.
NARRATOR: Ghost Rider Two: For Whom the Bell Tolls.
NICOLAS CAGE: I’m here to save you all…
All of the passengers run off the bus, screaming in terror.
NICOLAS CAGE (on screen): …From the loud-mouthed yobs?
BUS-DRIVER: Excuse me, sir, you’re gonna have to put out that flame before you get on the bus.
NICOLAS CAGE: But that’s my face.
BUS-DRIVER: I don’t care if it’s your arse; put it out, or get off the bus.
Sometime later, JAMES and JAMIE are sat in a restaurant, overlooking MOM-BOT and GERARD who are eating a meal at their table and talking.
GERARD: I liked the movie, you?
MOM-BOT: Indeed; I especially enjoyed it when Adam Sandler got his head stuck in a beehive.
GERARD: That was my favourite part too! You know, we like a lot of the same things.
GERARD takes a sip of his wine and twitches as he thinks to himself.
GERARD: You look different from when I first met you.
MOM-BOT: Ahh, yes. I, err, was involved in a car crash on the way here – completely wrecked my old body. But the paramedics gave me a new one, so everything worked out alright.
JAMIE and JAMES both wear matching looks of horror, poising themselves to intervene should the effects of the impulse ray wear off. GERARD looks at MOM-BOT with one raised eyebrow.
GERARD: Ah, that would explain it.
JAMIE and JAMES let out a sigh of relief as GERARD continues to eat. But all of a sudden he pauses again.
GERARD: Do I even know your name?
JAMIE and JAMES tense up again as MOM-BOT panics and looks around the room for ideas.
MOM-BOT: My name? My name is, err… um, it’s…
MOM-BOT notices a bottle of water on the table across the room.
MOM-BOT: Evian, Evian Bottle.
JAMIE smacks her forehead with the palm of her hand as JAMES sinks underneath the table.
GERARD: That’s a beautiful name.
THE PROF. slides into the booth occupied by JAMIE and JAMES.
THE PROF.: Alright I’m here, and I got the impulse ray all fired up and ready to shoot.
JAMES: You’re dirty!
JAMIE: I don’t think were gonna need it, James’s dad is completely besotted by… Evian.
THE PROF.: Who?
THE PROF.: Oh. You do realise if everything goes to plan this whole marriage will be based on a lie. I mean, he’s been hit with the equivalent of Cupid’s arrow and she’s a former-robot who just found out that humans get pleasure from sticking their sex-organs inside one another.
JAMES: Is it wrong I got a little turned on by that speech?!
THE PROF.: Where are they then?
JAMIE: Over there, Mister Smith just went to the bathroom.
JAMES: Again?! Should we be worried?
THE PROF.: It’s just a side-effect from the impulse ray; it’ll calm down within a day or two… which is more than I can say for Mom-Bot’s apparent side-effect.
JAMIE: What side-effect, what are you talking about?
JAMIE looks over as she sees MOM-BOT grinning like a Cheshire Cat. She follows her gaze and is alarmed to see she’s staring at a waitress’ backside.
JAMIE: What the hell?!
THE PROF.: I’m not an expert–
JAMES: Well I am; she’s totally checking out that waitress.
JAMES shakes his head in disbelief as THE PROF. bites his bottom lip and looks at JAMIE, whose face is plastered with a horrified look of shock.
JAMIE: Ohmigod, my Mom’s a Lesbian!
*TO BE CONTINUED*
“All Cleared Up” © 2005-2007 & 2013 Thomas John McNab. “James, The Professor & Jamie” Concept Art based on artwork created by Butch Hartman.