The Lone Gunmen’s Mega Day of Moshing

As he let out a long sigh, he switched off the Teletubbies and grabbed something. He said with hate, “I’ve had enough of you.” And put it in the draw. But it didn’t fit. He had too many copies of the Teletubbies magazine. He didn’t have enough will to get rid of it. With a sudden light bulb he ran into his bathroom and chucked it in the bath. He wouldn’t get it back as the bath was overrun with spiders; the Cancer-Man’s one fear, and clowns.
_____

It was raining hard so Zoe, Tom and Gibson Praise were running. “Tag.” Zoe said as she pushed Tom. He fell into the mud and Gibson and Zoe mocked him. Suddenly they heard a sneeze. “What was that?’ Gibson said.
“Come on, be careful.” Zoe said tripping Tom up again. They laughed but were unaware they were being watched by ‘Cold’. He grinned and sneezed.
_____

Byers, Langly and Frohike were settling into bed. “Langly get in your own bed.” Frohike said. Langly apologised, laughing it off. As he got into bed someone knocked at the door.
“Frohike get that.” Langly said.
“You get it, I’m asleep.” Frohike said.
“Byers get that.”
“No.”
“Please!’ Langly said sweetly.
“Okay.” Byers said giving up.
“Finally!’ Zoe said as Byers answered the door. She, Tom and Gibson walked in.
“Who are you? Is that Gibson Praise?’ Byers said in confusion.
“You bet!’ Zoe said. Byers closed the door but not before a man with a piece of cheese whispered to Byers, “Don’t eat the cheese. It’s a defenceless yellow slice.” Byers shut the door anyway. Behind him Tom whispered to Zoe, “I told you Gibson would get us to the front of the line. You remembered everything else?’ Zoe Nodded.
_____

With everybody up, Zoe was finishing the story of how she and Tom had rescued Gibson from the Pentagon. She was staring at Byers all the time.
“So Gibson, what was happening at the Pentagon?’ Gibson was just about to speak when Zoe caught Byers’ glance.
“I can answer that. Oh you’re so intelligent and,’ Zoe grabbed Byers, “Oh, hello Mr. Bicep!’ she flirted.
“That’s flab.” He corrected Zoe.
“So intelligent.” Seeing a chance to butt in on the conversation, Langly said to Tom,
“Tom, you must be soaked. You can borrow some of my clothes if you want?’ Tom thanked him and followed him to his bedroom. He was about to get undressed when he realised Langly was still in the bedroom.
“Can you leave?’ Langly laughed and left but Tom wasn’t alone. Outside, ‘Cold’ looked in. “Excuse me?’ Tom told him. He gasped and quickly ran off.
_____

Zoe and Gibson had found places to sleep but suddenly awoke when someone knocked at the door.
“Frohike get that.” Langly said.
“You get it, I’m asleep.” Frohike said.
“Zoe, get that.”
“No.”
“Please!’ Langly said sweetly.
“Okay.” Zoe said giving up.
“Who are you?’ Mulder said as Zoe answered the door.
“Who are you?’ Zoe asked.
“Fox Mulder,’ Zoe looked clueless. “Special Agent,’ Zoe blinked. “The X-Files.” Zoe was still staring.
“Mulder what are you doing here?’ Byers asked.
“I came to pick up my thong.”
“Looks like were not going to get any sleep tonight.” Frohike said.
“I left it drying on the computer.” Mulder added.
“So you’re the reason it’s broken?’ Frohike asked.
“No. I think you jamming up the server with Porn sites is what broke it.” Mulder retaliated. Byers looked at him.
“I thought they were UFO’s.” Frohike said.
_____

Everyone was up (again) and Byers thought he’d finally get a chance to talk to Gibson.
“So what did you see at the Pentagon Gibson?’ Tom butted in, “I saw a big room with all these subliminal videos. Did you know Gladiator is a homosexual comedy backwards?’ Tom said.
“Yeah.” Langly said. Byers looked at him. “I heard it off a friend.”
“Toy Story,’ Zoe said peeking up behind Byers, “holds an address to a website that lists all the swear words in the world.” Byers stared at Zoe.
“Have you grown?’ Zoe slapped Byers.
“You shouldn’t be looking down there. Especially when I don’t have my top off.”
“I mean you seem taller.”
“That’s because I’m standing on an evil clown.” Zoe replied. The evil clown stood and everybody screamed.
“Hello people I’m Hell-E the clown. I won’t make you smile I’ll make you frown. I like rhododendron’s, that’s flowers to you and Byers. I’ve got my eye on you!’ Zoe pushed Hell-E.
“Hey, he’s mine.”
“You want to fight?’ Hell-E flicked Zoe’s nose, “I think that’s alright.”
Zoe and Hell-E started fighting.
“My bet’s on Hell-E.” Tom said.
“No way, Zoe packs a punch.” Gibson replied.
“You should remember.” Tom slipped.
“What’s that supposed to mean?’ Gibson said. Scully had started to watch the fight.
“I know who’s going to win.” She began, “If you multiply the velocity to the weight of subject ‘A’ you’re going to clash. You’re going to have to grab some of that kinetic static electricity and charge it to the speed of several bi-weights and if you do that I think it’s obvious who’ll win.” Tom and Gibson laughed. “Of Course.” They both said. They didn’t have a clue really.
_____

“I couldn’t find my thong but my socks and shirt have dried. They were on the VCR. And don’t worry it still works.” Mulder said.
“No it doesn’t.” Frohike said.
“You broke that too?”
“Me? You’re the one who’s always drying your wet clothes on them.”
“Excuses, excuses. Always making up excuses.”
“Why don’t you dry them at your house? You’re always there.” Scully said.
“Yeah, but I like the way they feel when they’re dried on appliances.” Mulder hugged his shirt, “So warm!” Frohike tapped Scully on the shoulder and asked her to come into his bedroom.
“I think I’ve found some evidence.” Frohike pulled something out of his pocket.
“Really? What about?” Scully asked. Frohike swung a crystal back and forth in front of Scully.
“You are feeling sleepy and are under my spell.” Scully watched the pendulum, she was under his spell. “Now repeat after me. I want you, you sexy love machine. Give me your ecstasy.” Scully repeated and… you know!
_____

Gibson called everyone into the room later that day, including ‘Cold’, ‘Cheesy-Man’ and ‘Cancer-Man’. ‘Cold’ whispered to Tom, “It’s all been arranged. The Pentagon are going to pay big for him.”
Tom replied, “Excellent.”
Gibson addressed everyone, “Somebody has a guilty conscience, and I know why. I want them to reveal themselves before I shame them. Come on, admit it before I shame you. Reveal your dirty secret.”
“I’m Alex Kryceck.” ‘Cold’ said.
“Well we already knew that. I meant someone else.” Gibson said.
“I don’t really like flowers. I’ve got hay fever.” Hell-E said.
“Not you.” Due to Gibson’s E.S.P. everyone started to confess their secrets.
“I’ve got no more buttons. I keep asking and asking, ‘Would you like a button? Would You?’ But I have none.” Byers sat down, Zoe comforted him. Mulder stood.
“No it’s me. I don’t know what FBI means.”
“I seduced Scully into having hypnotic sex with me.” Frohike said.
“Frohike didn’t seduce me. I just played along because I was bored.” Scully sat down but stood up again, “Oh, and I’m pregnant but it’s not yours Frohike.” The ‘Cancer-Man’ stood up.
“He means me. I stopped smoking.” ‘Cheesy-Man’ stood up,
“I’m the fourth Lone Gunman.” Byers looked shocked.
“But you were assassinated.”
“That’s what I wanted you to think but I secretly go a part on Buffy.”
“NO!” Gibson shouted.
“We’ve whittled it down. It’s obvious now.” Everyone thought and realised.
“Langly.”
Langly stood up. “I’m gay. I don’t like girls and I don’t like Rock, it’s all an act. I’m gay.”
“Langly you didn’t have to do that. I was talking about Zoe and Tom.”
Zoe spoke, “I love you Byers. I want your children and I want us to grow old and wrinkly together.”
Tom spoke, “And I sold Gibson to ‘Cold’. I just hate him so much.”
“NO! That’s wrong.” He jumped up and down and shouted. Things began to float around and everybody floated off the ground.
“Look Byers. My love for you defies gravity!” Zoe said.
“Oh, shut the -” Everything fell to the ground.
“I’ll tell you since you’re all so incompetent to realise. Zoe and Tom kidnapped me from home just so they had an excuse to visit The Lone Gunmen. The wanted to steal,” Gibson paused, “Their Jam.”
“No. It’s not true.” Tom said.
“How could you?” Scully said. “Money fine, drugs I can take but Jam? Take them away Mulder.”
“Byers.” Zoe Pleaded.
“Zoe! Wait, I don’t like you.” Hell-E laughed, “And I don’t like you either.” Zoe had the last laugh.

Advertisements