Terminally tomsbrain

Well a year has passed, and do you know how I know? Because I documented a good chunk of it and accidentally made a movie.

Now, it’s not a movie in the traditional sense, but what defines a movie thesedays anyway? One wayward sneeze and we could all be trapped at home for 12 weeks again. Movies are what we say they are, and this is a movie, goddammit. It has a beginning and a conclusion and arc and I actually edited some parts to make the narrative more coherent (because one day I can be crying about death and the next dancing and singing).

But it didn’t include everything. Some parts I kept very close to my chest. Like the fact at the end of October I was using a walking stick. It literally came out of nowhere and if it hadn’t have been for the film festival I wouldn’t have had anything positive to focus on. I remember my second film being on one of the sofas for a documentary and just laying horizontal at one point because I was so defeated and exhausted from discomfort. I powered through and the need for it quickly subsided after my blood transfusion, and I got back to walking again without one. My beautiful friend came to stay with me for the first time and we saw a night’s worth of horror films at the Hyde Park Picture House. I purposefully kept Max out of my film and tiktoks because I think, reflecting back on things, I was very nervous of becoming invested in something new when I know I don’t have a lot of time left.

I used tiktok as a way to talk when I couldn’t talk, but with Max I’ve felt as if I’ve been able to open up and share my feelings to someone who accepts me for all that I am and have to offer. And also, in her round about way of being overly protective, I had to be honest with mum and tell her that I’d met someone who I really liked and wanted to see and the easiest way this was going to work out for us all was if Max stayed here for the weekend. And amazingly my mum and stepdad were fine with that (fine is a very apt word), and Max has stayed a further two times, which has only helped make me feel secure and safe and not afraid of what the future holds. I don’t mind what’s coming, I know I’ll be okay.

We Don’t Deserve an Amanda Bynes comeback…

You know this is my blog and I come here to write whatever I want, and regardless of everything that’s been going on in my life this year, I wanted to write about what I know (who is it that famously said that, Cher Horowitz?). But see, that’s the thing, I don’t know Amanda Bynes. I mean, sure, if I were on Celebrity Mastermind my specialist subject would be the life and times of Amanda Bynes, and in the words of Maureen from Scream 2, “I know my shit!”

What I knew back then was a personality and I guess, to a degree, do we ever truly know anyone? We are all guilty of presenting a facade, some of us more faithful to the core than others, and I do truly love to believe that where Amanda is concerned she presented to the world who she was. That’s part of the reason why despite her stellar career, there wasn’t the hype and attention surrounding her back in the 00s in a way that you saw Lindsay or Hilary being treated. For most of her career, everyone just assumed there was no deeper story behind Amanda. She wasn’t dating a rock musician, or dealing with feuding parents, or famous siblings trying to break into the spotlight.

We’ll never likely know the absolute true story of Amanda’s childhood. There are The Facts. There are rumours, and then there’s the well-documented psychological pressure that Young Hollywood puts on children. All of these influence perception, and even if a person is standing now right in front of you saying this is who I am, are you gonna believe them over decades of conjecture? And maybe the person isn’t even saying much of anything, so what are you going to form an opinion based on?

Taking all of this as much into account as I possibly can, I watched Amanda’s first ever podcast episode with great trepidation. On the surface, it seems like she’s on her way to managing adult life with stability and sobriety, and on a personal level I see her being surrounded by better people and having more control than maybe she had years prior when she was trying to get her life back on track. As for the content of the podcast – look, I can speak from experience, even doing an audio based podcast with multiple people is hard. You go listen to my first episodes of Pretty Little Myers, it’s tough!

As first episodes go, it’s short and sweet, but honestly, seeing anything of Amanda again is amazing. The last time we saw her in front of a camera that wasn’t her phone was over six years ago. I have to believe as she gets into a rhythm it will become easier, more conversational, and less static. Some people might watch and listen and remark that Paul should’ve given her more of a chance to talk, but I honestly don’t believe that this podcast would even be happening if it wasn’t for her co-host. I can imagine, just based on the fact that the video was flipped in editing, Amanda is doing this podcast with complete and total creative control.

That’s important, and I’m glad she’s getting that, because it’s very apparent people in Amanda’s past have tried to control her. I think back to one of her first ever tweets, where she talked about being told to play characters as a child. Imagine that for a second – she got more praise in her formative years pretending to be someone else. She had to bury and hide her personality for years to please other people. And I also think back to what would be a very significant time in Amanda’s life, one that I’ve never really heard anyone else discuss in-depth, where Amanda disclosed she had been in an abusive relationship with a controlling guy (Elle Girl magazine, April 2006).

I think that’s maybe what some people might find frustrating with this podcast, that after so long of wanting to see Amanda speak freely, she really doesn’t talk all that much. Paul and Dahlia discuss tattoos, but we don’t hear Amanda’s insight on her own experience getting a face tattoo. When Dahlia talks about how she felt used by the industry at 14-years-old, Amanda seemingly has nothing to contribute.

And quite frankly, I don’t think we deserve it yet. After the awful treatment Amanda Bynes received from the public only a decade ago, do you really expect to just click through to the Daily Mail and rejoice that she’s gotten herself “happy” and “healthy” again and that means, what, that we’re entitled to having her back in the spotlight to pass judgement on?

We don’t deserve an Amanda Bynes comeback.

I’m Not Special

Deconstructed and Mixed

Here I am, back in October 2005, so excited to own my first ever t.A.T.u. record. Saturday was officially Record Store Day, and I love physical media! The following media, however, is 100% unofficial (and purely digitally created fan-art).

I used the format of an actual bootleg vinyl record to help shape the tracklist for an imagined Remix Version of the album, Dangerous and Moving. Four parts, each approx. 25 minutes long. I enjoy the experience of listening to each part – beginning with an intro, blending the individual tracks into one another, and bookending the two pairs with Dangerous and Moving / Lyudi Invalidi.

I wanted to write something meaningful to describe the inspiration behind the project. Something about how the isolation I felt during the pandemic lead me to find deeper meaning in the music and lyrics of t.A.T.u. – in turn isolating the vocals, drum loops, synths, acoustics and remixing them to create something new, just like we had to adjust to a new normal in the world.