Terminally tomsbrain

Well a year has passed, and do you know how I know? Because I documented a good chunk of it and accidentally made a movie.

Now, it’s not a movie in the traditional sense, but what defines a movie thesedays anyway? One wayward sneeze and we could all be trapped at home for 12 weeks again. Movies are what we say they are, and this is a movie, goddammit. It has a beginning and a conclusion and arc and I actually edited some parts to make the narrative more coherent (because one day I can be crying about death and the next dancing and singing).

But it didn’t include everything. Some parts I kept very close to my chest. Like the fact at the end of October I was using a walking stick. It literally came out of nowhere and if it hadn’t have been for the film festival I wouldn’t have had anything positive to focus on. I remember my second film being on one of the sofas for a documentary and just laying horizontal at one point because I was so defeated and exhausted from discomfort. I powered through and the need for it quickly subsided after my blood transfusion, and I got back to walking again without one. My beautiful friend came to stay with me for the first time and we saw a night’s worth of horror films at the Hyde Park Picture House. I purposefully kept Max out of my film and tiktoks because I think, reflecting back on things, I was very nervous of becoming invested in something new when I know I don’t have a lot of time left.

I used tiktok as a way to talk when I couldn’t talk, but with Max I’ve felt as if I’ve been able to open up and share my feelings to someone who accepts me for all that I am and have to offer. And also, in her round about way of being overly protective, I had to be honest with mum and tell her that I’d met someone who I really liked and wanted to see and the easiest way this was going to work out for us all was if Max stayed here for the weekend. And amazingly my mum and stepdad were fine with that (fine is a very apt word), and Max has stayed a further two times, which has only helped make me feel secure and safe and not afraid of what the future holds. I don’t mind what’s coming, I know I’ll be okay.