Monthly Archives: December 2010
Whoa, where the heck was my brain last night. I had a serious rage blackout. I do not remember writing that. I’m sorry if I scared you, but I’m feeling much better today and thinking clearly and concisely. So here’s what went down… *breathe* On Christmas Day, after suffering with pain in the right-side of my chest and shoulder, my temperature started to rise. Mum. Aunty. Sister. Everyone was telling me to go to the hospital, but I couldn’t, it was Christmas Day. So I managed to drive it down with paracetamol until 7AM on Boxing Day when it hit 40°C. An hour later my mum drove me to hospital and I was put on a glucose drip cos I hadn’t eaten in the past two days. Blood tests were taken and an infection in my blood was confirmed. However, this is nothing new. And a previous treatment to an infection had sent me to ICU and given me pnumonia. So no doctor was confident what drug to hook me up to. By this time, my arm, shoulder, chest had swollen as had my legs. And I was being sick and finding it difficult to breathe even when I didn’t have uncontrollable shakes called “Rygors”. After having an XRay, and a CT, on Monday morning I was given antibiotics. Now, it was wait and see how these affected me, and go from there. So another day passed in basically the same way: Temp climbed, couldn’t breathe, needed to be sick, temp fell, felt cold, had Rygors, temp climbed, and so on and so forth. Until last night, when I thought I was finally feeling better, only to have a nosebleed from straining my body so much. This would be when, during my easier breathing, cooler degree stages, I decided to leave a last blog post, in the hopes that later I would be taken for an operation on my chest and, also in my hopes, that I would die whilst under anaethestic. *breathe out* Needless to say, if you’re Reading this, that operation never happened. And I am on new antibiotics which have worked a treat and tonight I am off my drip for the first time since Sunday and feeling so much better… but very tired. So this is all I’m telling you for now. I shall post again soon, and I must add, hope everyone had a lovely festive season.
And I have to post this now. Even though it’s not the end. Because once again I can’t get a fucking break. So sorry. But this is how I feel. THIS is tomsbrain. This is the big show I put on for you all stripped bare and poured out of my heart.
I can’t leave without speaking my mind, even though I’m in indescribable pain right now. I just keep asking why. Asking who. What. Answers. Were all going through life looking for answers. I don’t want answer. I just want a life. I hope I find it somewhere else. Because it’s not here. Everything is so fake. And I love it. I pretend to live it. But it wasn’t my life. It was a lie. I don’t even think I wanted a normal life in the end. I wanted a normal death. I’m certain of how I will die. In a hospital surrounded by beeping machines and wires attached to me. Like one last prison sentence keeping me tied to what is my one and only life. And I’m relieved to see it go. I’m sorry. But it’s true. There’s no ambition anymore no drive I’m just connecting myself to material obsessions in a bid to fool myself into thinking I want to go on. But I don’t. And if you’re Reading this then I have or am about to. But don’t be sad. There were real moments. Just fleeting. And I thank you. But I need to be at peace and accept that peace is now.