Terminally tomsbrain

Well a year has passed, and do you know how I know? Because I documented a good chunk of it and accidentally made a movie.

Now, it’s not a movie in the traditional sense, but what defines a movie thesedays anyway? One wayward sneeze and we could all be trapped at home for 12 weeks again. Movies are what we say they are, and this is a movie, goddammit. It has a beginning and a conclusion and arc and I actually edited some parts to make the narrative more coherent (because one day I can be crying about death and the next dancing and singing).

But it didn’t include everything. Some parts I kept very close to my chest. Like the fact at the end of October I was using a walking stick. It literally came out of nowhere and if it hadn’t have been for the film festival I wouldn’t have had anything positive to focus on. I remember my second film being on one of the sofas for a documentary and just laying horizontal at one point because I was so defeated and exhausted from discomfort. I powered through and the need for it quickly subsided after my blood transfusion, and I got back to walking again without one. My beautiful friend came to stay with me for the first time and we saw a night’s worth of horror films at the Hyde Park Picture House. I purposefully kept Max out of my film and tiktoks because I think, reflecting back on things, I was very nervous of becoming invested in something new when I know I don’t have a lot of time left.

I used tiktok as a way to talk when I couldn’t talk, but with Max I’ve felt as if I’ve been able to open up and share my feelings to someone who accepts me for all that I am and have to offer. And also, in her round about way of being overly protective, I had to be honest with mum and tell her that I’d met someone who I really liked and wanted to see and the easiest way this was going to work out for us all was if Max stayed here for the weekend. And amazingly my mum and stepdad were fine with that (fine is a very apt word), and Max has stayed a further two times, which has only helped make me feel secure and safe and not afraid of what the future holds. I don’t mind what’s coming, I know I’ll be okay.

I’m Not Special

Three Coffees Later…

Okay so, Thursday didn’t go as planned. Don’t worry, I’ve got a new appointment. Believe me, as soon as I found out they’d screwed up my appointment I bolted out of there and hopped on a train to Dunkin’ – did I tell you I’m a Dunkin’ addict again? I was back when we first had one, something about their coffee just tastes amazing. I had two, and the donuts are nice too, but second to the coffee. I came home and had the motivation to organise some files which was nice as I watched some home videos from 2011. Aww, I had so much energy but was so shy! Then I caught up on Big Brother Canada and decided to try go swimming. I got back into town, but my motivation had escaped me so I phoned my mum and she was at a restaurant with her friend and graciously let me join where I had ANOTHER coffee and a gorgeous praline dessert with tonka bean ice cream – amazing. Even better, I got pizza and spicy chicken strips afterwards and came home to watch and digest all 37 Eurovision songs competing next month (my favourite is Finland). I also decided to stream it live on a whim and got all my equipment set up easily. So much so, I might do the podcast this way. Chelsea, my co-host, is a TV personality, she deserves to been seen AND heard. Thing is – we chat for hours about Scream, and in podcast form, I can edit out the gaps. I never get around to editing videos. Speaking of which, if I can, I’m going to edit a 20th Anniversary Version of The Clown. I was happy with the 10th Anniversary, but it’s in SD quality. I have programs now that can up the resolution of the DV camera to 1080p – and I think my Mac Mini can handle editing the large files! Plus, I’ve experimented with some of my own soundtrack. I have ideas, and I’d like to see them through to a finished product.

Dough Nut Ramblings

Today I am going to sign my DNR – that means Do Not Resuscitate. It’s been a very mentally, physically, and emotionally draining past few days as my family pet of 11 years, Kaiser, was put down last Monday due to his own failing health. There is no “putting down” of humans (well, I mean, there is, but you have to go Switzerland, and Sheila from Wild Wild Country is there and she looks way way too happy to be working at an assisted living facility). This will have to serve as some sort of catharsis because I need to move on and find something to look forward to. I need to learn how to find the joy in life when I know that life is precious – instead of struggling to eat, and drinking three coffees a day, and staying away until 5am which is what I have been doing. As it stands, the website is a bit of a mess that I need to focus on sorting out. The Music section is gonna be less about music and more about all the lyrics I’ve written over the years and hardly ever shared, with the mashups moved to a different page. I’m in the process of uploading a new t.A.T.u. mix project (my first since 200km/h In The Near Future) which I’m aiming to finish by 22 April. Then I have a psychology appointment. Then it’s Eurovision. Then I have a small break where I may record some new podcast episodes or video blogs. Then it’s my birthday. Then we’re getting a new downstairs shower fitted. And then (I hope) Neighbours shall be coming back and my life can feel like it has some normalcy and routine back to it (I don’t care how that sounds, that show was vital to keeping me sane during the pandemic).